Ten Things I Learned From My Dad

1. Empathy, care, and other important things

My dad is genuinely one of the most empathetic people I know, and as I've gotten older, that is a quality that I look for and highly value in others. I am much more emotional than my sister and when I am having an emotional, teenage girl moment my dad always handles my phone calls and complaints with a listening ear, (not just hearing me, but listening to me) and then helping me to fix the problem, even though sometimes they can be some really stupid things. When I was in kindergarten, I came home upset one day because there was a toy on the playground that everyone else could climb and I couldn't. It was a bunch of red disks that spun, stacked on top of each other and connected by a pole down the middle. He responded by getting up and taking me to the school the following Saturday, and patiently teaching me how to climb the toy so that on Monday I could keep up with everyone else - helping me learn and sensing my genuine fear instead of telling me to 'suck it up.'


2. If you think you're above service, you aren't a leader at all.

I can't even count the number of times I've noticed my dad going above and beyond for coworkers, friends, or even people we don't know at all. When I was in middle school we were traveling through western Kansas one snowy Christmas morning to see his family and we passed by a wreck where someone was trying to flag down help (with no cell phone service to call the police) and he didn't hesitate to pull over and help people. Last year, when we were in South Carolina, there was a big rainstorm one day and a tree had fallen in the middle of the road on our way to dinner. Without question, dad stopped the car to get out and help to move it for everyone behind us. My dad consistently goes above and beyond to help neighbors and friends whenever in need.


3. How to have harmony without harmony.

One thing that really bothers me is when I have conflict with people in my life. Even when things need to change, it eats away at me if people are angry with me, upset with me, or just general unaddressed conflict. My dad is always able to help me handle those situations with grace so as to set a Christian example but also how to stand up for myself. I quit my first job when I was 17 and it wasn't on good terms. I had to go in before school on one Monday morning to turn in my key, and he stayed home from work that morning so that he could go with me - the conflict was never solved, but he made me feel confident enough to stand up for myself and helped me to understand that sometimes, life just doesn't work that way.


4. How to make friends

One of my favorite things about taking my dad places or introducing him to my friends is that he can be friends with LITERALLY anyone. He knows how to talk to people and make them feel comfortable, by asking questions about them and genuinely taking an interest in their lives. Not only do I never have to worry about having an awkward dad, I now have watched him do it enough times that I can usually successfully navigate through awkward encounters with minimal awkward feelings.


5. How to apologize when you are wrong

When I was growing up there were only a handful of times I remember having a serious conflict with my dad when I didn't look back and realize he was right. All of those times, he came in and apologized (never allowing us to go to bed angry) and explicitly said what he did wrong and how we could prevent that conflict in the future. Sounds cliche and simple, but it made it a lot easier to go to him when I was mad at him for something.


6. The importance of trying new things

When I was little we went to World's of Fun with some good friends and I rode my first roller coaster, the Timberwolf. I absolutely HATED it, but had wanted to go just because I had never been on one. Looking back, I don't think that riding that was my dad's favorite thing that day, but he did it to show me that there was nothing to be afraid of.


7. How to treat your spouse

This is accurate for both of my parents, but they set great examples for marriage that my sister and I could look up to. My dad is sure to do things like open the door, ask my mom her opinion and talk things out when they make decisions, and occasionally likes to surprise her, too. :)


8. Presence, not Presents

My parents have always given us gifts for birthdays and Christmas, but truthfully, I don't really remember them. What I do remember, however, is how when my mom and sister and I want to go to Kansas City and shop, dad always chooses to tag along instead of stay home and golf or watch whatever sport is on TV. He patiently hangs out in stores with us and then, seeing our new choice of clothes, always responds with "That's really pretty." I know we could come out of our rooms dressed as mummies and he would still compliment us. There's few warmer feelings in life than knowing your dad thinks you look nice.


9. How to love my sister

My sister and I really aren't too much alike other than our head of curly hair, and when we were little, we did fight. My dad always used to tell us to 'love her, because she's the only sister you've got.' This usually made us more mad, because we didn't WANT to love her right then, and also that this shut down our continuous complaints about wanting more siblings. However, later in life, it has taught me how to love my sister even when I don't agree with her, and she has been my best friend though some really tricky situations in life - and I am thankful he taught me that.


10. How to work hard, play hard

I just got to watch this one in action today, as we had eight students from Hong Kong swimming in our pool, as well as our own usual crowd of family friends. I watched my dad have water fights, play basketball, and chase and tease the kids in the same way he used to do with my sister and I. My dad works incredibly hard in all aspects of life, but he never misses a chance to have a little fun.

The Starfish

One day, a man was walking along the beach when he noticed a boy walking along, picking up some starfish. He would pick one up and then throw it back in the ocean, continue to walk, choose another one, and throw it back. "What are you doing?" The man asked. "You know that you will never make a difference with all these starfish." The boy picked up a starfish and tossed it back into the ocean. "It made a difference to that one" he replied.

It is very easy to get into a mindset in life similar to that of the man's - not worrying about what seems to be 'the little things', and getting caught up in the larger picture of life. Those of us that graduated with Brenna, now four years later, are either finishing up college or have graduated and are beginning new chapters in life. It is easy to think big picture - career, college, graduate school, and for some, marriage and a family.

But at one time, the little things were very important to us. Still in my room sits the whiffle ball that we received at her funeral - something I know will stay with me for a long time. I still have the happy birthday tiara, slightly faded, that was hers, and the 'celebrate everything' sign that I received the night we went to look through her things. That night happened to be my 18th birthday, and my friend Katelyn came to ride with me, and she brought me a balloon and a cupcake to eat as we drove over to do the hardest thing that I have ever done. It was the little things.

The little things have slowly started to fade and lose meaning. The newscaster's voice used to ring in my ears "Brenna Morgart has been reported missing since 11 a.m. on Friday, May 25..." for months after she died. For a long time, I could not see the patriot guard without tearing up and remembering the way that the man opened the door for me that day at her funeral, unable to make eye contact as I thanked him because he, too, was near losing it. I have felt less and less like I have to keep every 'little thing' - trinket, picture, or gift she ever gave me, because the impact she left has not deteriorated over time, but has multiplied.

For anyone who is not familiar with the ways of starfish reproduction (which I assume is 99% of you reading this) I will inform you that starfish, unlike most creatures, do not need two beings to reproduce, but they actually lose a limb that basically grows a new starfish. A couple years ago, my family was at the beach, and I tried to pick up a starfish and I broke it's leg off. This story is funny now, but I cried for like ten minutes. My sister, caring and precious as she is, just informed me that I was helping the starfish reproduce. As starfish are one of our most joyous finds on our beach trips, I was okay with this - it was one more starfish to add joy to someone else's day.

As time has passed, the lessons and memories of Brenna have seemed to do this very thing. The details of them means less, but they have never vanished, only weaved their way into new interests, memories, and paths of life. Those things that were once so painful to look at (like the whiffle ball) have now become subtle, concrete pieces of my heart that make me smile when I see them. (like the way that I remember Pastor Cogswell hitting them into the audience with a plastic bat at the 1400 people present at her funeral, and missing a few - talk about pressure) Brenna was a joy, that I was blessed to get to spend five years with, but I know that someday, in the grand scheme of things, that might be a distant memory. Pleasant and heartwarming, but distant. She was unbelievably good at taking pieces of herself and giving them to others to make their days, weeks, or even lives better. (not in the literal sense like the starfish do, but you know what I mean)

She was the person who could easily pick someone up on a bad day, just like the boy did. She was the person who would give a piece herself to others to make them happier, or to lend a hand. Although I am sad to admit that my memories with her have faded, and I know that is only going to progress, the lessons have not.

There is a word for the type of person that Brenna was, and it is grace. Grace was recently defined to me by someone wise as simply 'being nicer to people than they deserve.' Grace sounds like a religious, complex word, but it really is not when you think about it that way. Everyone, religious or not, has days when they need someone to be a little nicer than they deserve. If you look, those people are easy to find. It might be a coworker, the Walmart cashier, or someone in your family. It is an easy way to multiply a love that you once received.

On May 23, 2012, Brenna posted her last Facebook status. I will attach it below, but it read "There are two ways to live life: one as though nothing is a miracle, and one is though everything is a miracle." -Albert Einstein. At face value, you might think "What a nice quote" or "Oh, I should start living the other way around." We live a world where everything has a consequence, a logic, a reason. Although that's not a bad thing, it'd be nice to live in a world where you lived thinking you were just really darned lucky to have everything you do.

It is my goal to someday be half of the person that Brenna was. To toss back half of the starfish she did, and to go half of the lengths that she did to give part of herself to better others. I am thankful that over time, the little, both painful and happy memories have faded. The chunks missing in my memory due to the way that the brain handles trauma have been smoothed over. But the footprints she left in my heart about investing in others have only gotten larger and more bold. To the people who have helped me survive, understand, and grow in the past four years, thank you. To the people by my side as we learned what pain really was, thank you. But to the girl who taught me what grace is, I thank you the most.

To the Incoming College Freshman - 24 Things I Learned In College

1. I cannot bold this one enough, but YOU CAN DO IT. 
I used to go each semester and speak to a class at my high school about college and the transition that accompanies it. Usually, I just stood at the front of the room and invited them to pelt me with every pressing question they could think of. One of the most popular ones I got was inquiring the actual difficulty level they would face. I won't say college is easy, but I promise you that you can do it. You are here because you want to be here, and that is at least 98% of the battle. (I made that percentage up but that's what it feels like)

2. Extra Credit is like Imodium.
Like imodium, extra credit doesn't really seem that valuable until you actually need it. College extra credit is much smaller than high school extra credit, usually only two or three points depending on the professor. You will probably think, "Oh, I have a 92, and I know that the final will be easy." but then next thing you know you're home because your dog breaks his leg or something, miss an in class assignment, and those one or two points would have made the difference between the A and the B. There is no time when extra credit will not come in handy. I promise. So unless you or someone close to you is dying, take advantage of it.

3. Make friends with important people. 
Here I am not necessarily talking about the Dean of your college or even your professors, although you should definitely be very nice to those people because they control a lot of decisions that could really affect you. I am thinking more of like, your RA, your roommate, or the workers in the dining center. These people have much more indirect control over you, but are still in charge of your less basic needs, like fun floor events, the food that you must eat, or your general sanity when you are in your living space. Even if you absolutely despise these people, at least bust your butt to be nice to them. In the words of my mom, be the bigger person. You won't always notice definitely positive feedback if you are nice, but I promise you'll notice negative feedback if you aren't.

4. Assume that the internet will crap out on you at the worst possible time.
Among helping you with research, finding you funny memes, and being the source of your dorm decorations, one of the internet's favorite hobbies is going out when you need it most. This sounds very negative, but really I am just trying to save you heartache that will overwhelm you. If the quiz is due at midnight and you have fifteen minutes to take it, do not start it at 11:45. I know that some of you function this way and that is okay. Just understand the if the internet does go down at this time, your professor will probably ask why you waited so long and be much less helpful about getting the quiz back and accepting it late.

5. Go out of your way to be helpful and kind. 
Generally speaking, college is basically a bunch of people living together and doing life together and trying to survive together while they live without their mommies and daddies for the first time. sometimes those people will remind you that it is not best on your body to eat taco bell five meals in a row, and sometimes you will go pick them up from the bar at 3 a.m. when you have a test at 8:30. It is a big, sometimes uneven, list of IOU's, but just know that your friends and roommates and classmates  are your best survival resource, so, unless people are taking advantage of you, share your notes when someone has the flu, drive across town when your roommate gets locked out, and generally give kindness to others.

6. Find a keep folder. 
I really don't know how common this is but it has worked beautifully for me. Find one specific folder and label it KEEP in sharpie. In it should live things that are vital to your existence and success as a human being. I am talking passports, immunization records, lease agreements, and basically anything you have to keep for over a year and/or has nowhere else to live. It is likely that you will be moving a lot in college, from dorms to greek houses to apartments, and now all of your important things have a place to travel safely.

7. Know your professor.
These can be some intimidating people, let me tell you. But they are important and you should know them well. One entertaining way to accomplish this is trying to decide (nonverbally) what your professor's spirit animal is. If you think it might be any kind of reptile, turn in your assignments quietly, ask for help when you need it in a very polite and professional way, and go about your own business. If you are dealing with, say, a six week old lab puppy, it would be a good idea to utilize office hours and get to know them a little.

8. Your professors are not out for anything but your success. 
Sometimes this may not seem to be the case, but keep in mind that they likely have several hundred students to keep track of and grade tests for, and they have a hard time giving you the benefit of the doubt for your sickness during your test when the kid in front of you used the 'my grandma died' excuse for the fifth time this semester. They want your success, but most of the time, they need you to leave their class with knowledge to do an actual job in the real world, so they don't let a lot skate by. Be an adult, turn things in on time, and DO NOT MAKE EXCUSES.

9. Learn how to write a professional e-mail. Use it when in doubt about how to talk with someone, and use it with anyone who is above you.
*Note: Always review the syllabus before e-mailing a professor, they aren't going to waste the time to reiterate policies that they, quite literally, handed to you. Here is an example.

Professor,

I have been sick this week and missed your class on Tuesday. After catching up with a classmate, I learned we had a pop quiz. I notice that your absence policy is that with documentation, I can make that up. I would really love to come in during office hours and retake it if you were willing to look at my doctors note. Thank you for your time,

Emily

*Note: If you would text someone what you are saying, it isn't formal enough for a professional e-mail.

10. Germs
If you live in a dorm, I hate to say it, you are living in a giant container of germs. A fun, social, friendship -y container, but that's what it is. Befriend Lysol wipes, and wash your hands a lot.

11. Get enough sleep. 
Know yourself and know how much sleep you need to simply survive, to function, and to thrive. My dear friend Hannah is the kind of person that can get about 90 minutes of sleep and look and act like gold the next day, and i am more of the eight or nine hour kind of person. When I don't get enough sleep the night before a test, I don't do well on the test. My roommates affectionately refer to me as the grandmother of our household due to my early bedtime, but that's alright.

12. Studying can be done in thousands of ways, so find your favorite. 
I really think one  of the most common problems with incoming college student success is that no one has ever taught you how to study. People think that it is just reading the book, and it isn't. Studying is active, not passive. Here are some ways that I have studied over the last four years, choose your favorites.

-Reading the book and taking notes, then make sure that your class notes and your book notes line up and aid each other in explaining the topic.
-How would you explain this to a kindergartner? If you can't, you probably don't know it well enough.
-Color code. When I took biology I hung color coded diagrams around my room with the different systems of the body. If done early enough before a test, I could take a quick gander around the room every few hours and they would slowly sink in. When I took the test, I was like, oh yes, the respiratory system was the blue, and I had a much easier time labeling and describing.
-Quizlet and StudyBlue are a few of my favorite online resources. Conveniently, they both have iPad (and probably iPhone) apps and can be utilized for the few minutes while you wait for a class, or before meeting with a friend, or for ten minutes while you lay in bed at night.
-Read a paragraph out of the book and then either speak or write a summary of it. If you can't do that, you probably don't know the book well enough.
-*BONUS: If you are tech savvy, figure out how to upload study guides to trivia crack. Then show me how.

13. Purchase durable winter element clothes if you live in any state north of Texas. 
Here I am really thinking about your feet if they have to walk through several blocks of snow (Hint: Don't wear vans.), a winter coat, and an ear band. Gloves and such are also valuable, but generally, my feet, torso, and ears always get cold first. "Because I was cold" is not an acceptable reason your professor will take for not coming to class.

14. Be organized. 
Dorm rooms can be some downright terrifying places. Between the two people who have never been on their own to decorate before, the fact that they may have exact opposite tastes and preferences, and trying to cram two people's belongings in an 11x11 room, you can pretty easily lose yourself in them, both your physical person and your sanity. Don't keep things you don't need (don't take that winter coat and boots until your shorts and swimsuits can go home) and give the things you do have a certain home in your room. If it doesn't have a home, you may not need it.

15. Do fun stuff.
You should certainly do the normal fun things, like go to university sporting events and attend events with your floor and go get the free ice cream in the union on a random Wednesday. But you should also go out on a Monday when the Royals win the world series, pick the sport you are worst and and play it in intramurals (as long as your teammates are not the university's athletes) and play Hostages with your floor mates at 3 a.m.

16. Know the reality of your professors.
You are going to have way more Minerva McGonagall's than you will Dolores Umbridge's. Promise.

17. Take time for yourself. 
Take an HOUR each day and do something you enjoy. That could feel kind of generous some weeks, but if you strive for that, that's good. Studying for 12 straight hours will not help you remember the information, you need a break. Watch one episode of your choice of show on Netflix while you eat breakfast and dinner, go outside and shoot baskets, read your favorite guilty pleasure teenage novel, play trivia crack against your grandmother. (Although if you are studying you are likely using a computer, so try to do things during your time without a screen) It's going to feel like you can't spare the time, but if you don't take time for yourself, you won't have a yourself to do any studying at all.

18. Listen to your mom.
In all reality, this probably should have been number one. Listen to her when she suggests sticking an umbrella in your backpack, listen when she tells you that this boy you're dating probably isn't good for you, listen to her when she tells you how to get that stain out. Listen. To. Your. Mom.

19. Appreciate home. 
You'll probably learn this on your own, but being away gives you a whole new appreciation for your home and the people that inhabit it. Spend time with them, cherish them, and visit them whenever you can.

20. Moving sucks.
However, between the ages of 18-22, it's almost inevitable that you'll end up moving at least twice, and it is a giant pain in the rear. Moving brings out the stress in everyone, so if your pals are moving, offer to lend a hand (even if you're like me and can only carry light things like books and houseplants) Just know that everyone is a little more tense on moving day, especially if people are moving you, because you have to make a lot of rash decisions. Put on your patience panties and just know that.

21. Understand laundry and it's complicated details. 
By this, I basically mean that a tide-to-

go pen should be carried with you at all times, and when all else fails, hairspray gets pretty much any stain out. I have used this multiple times. You will be surprised at how often you play the 'how long can I go without doing laundry' game, and you don't want to ruin something just because you don't need to do laundry.

22. At least once in college, take a road trip. 
Pretty much the only way to take a road trip is to develop excellent bonds and teamwork skills with your companions, and it is almost inevitable that these will come in the most ridiculous, inconvenient, and stupid possible ways. Running out of gas in western Kansas, trying to read an atlas together, and then probably trying to fold the atlas. Seriously, take them.

23. Ask for help when you need it. 
College is the first time in your life where you are learning how to do things on your own, and EVERYONE has questions. Do some research to figure things out on your own, but be okay with asking for help. Much of the time, you will learn twice as much if you take the time to ask, after you've given it your best effort. This goes for assignments, your dorm or apartment maintenance and upkeep, and generally, anything involving insurance.

24. Don't put too much pressure on yourself. 
People like to say that college is the best four years of your life, which I think can be a load of bologna. There are fun things, like lake swimming on the first Kansas day above 60, or eating donuts at three in the morning with your best friends. But there are a lot of stressors, too. Dealing with difficult professors or group members, the test that makes or breaks your grade, and wondering if you will ever understand what a co-pay is. (For the record, I still don't.) Like any stage of life, it has it's ups and downs, but the less pressure you put on yourself to make it perfect, the better it will be.

Ten Things I Learned From My Mom

1. Always be more kind to people than they deserve
I can't count the number of times I watched my mom converse with people who had different beliefs than she did, or weren't very nice to her, etc. She always treated them with as much kindness as she could physically muster up, and then just kept right on moving.

2. Be the bigger person.
My mom used to tell my sister and I this when there was someone at school who was bothering us and she was trying to teach us it really wasn't worth being upset about. There was one particular person throughout my middle school and high school career that really bothered me, and that was always the advice my mom gave. One day my senior year of high school, I came home and flung my backpack across the room and screamed "I am TIRED of being the bigger person." - but even after being out of the house for four years, I still try my best to do this.

3. Always eat the center of the cinnamon roll first.
One of the only days my sister and I ate hot lunch at school was on the days our school had cinnamon rolls and chili, and it was pretty much only for the cinnamon rolls. She always used to tell us to eat the center of the cinnamon roll first just in case you are too full to finish it all. High level, this translates to enjoying life's little gifts.

4. The goal of makeup is to make it look like you aren't wearing any (except stage makeup, which my mom also did) 
Thanks to my mom, I am forever saved from looking back on middle school pictures that make me want to disown myself, at least in the makeup department. My mom spent considerable time teaching me how to put on makeup so that I didn't look like a clown, and even more time doing my dance hair and makeup for close to 15 years. She probably put more time into my appearance than I actually spent onstage, but it was always perfect.

5. How to put other people first
My mom packed my lunch for the entire 13 years I was in school. Although there were days when it tested my desire for my independence, she set an example of service. When my sister and I were in middle school, one of our closest family friends had their youngest son Luke, and their two older kids spent quite a bit of time with us. My mom made sure everyone got to school (a big deal considering we went to different schools) to their appropriate activities, and had their homework done. She also was responsible for getting about half our neighborhood on the bus at some point in my childhood, and when I look back at that group of kids, it's amazing she did that successfully. I also know that it is not my mom's favorite thing on the planet when she has to take me to the airport to let me go overseas for a week or two at a time, but she lets it happen because she knows how much I love traveling overseas and everything I've learned form those trips.

6. Being present is more important than having presents. 
My mom (or dad, if he was off work) was at every school field trip, every event, and volunteered for everything my sister and I did. I know that sometimes these were not the most fun events, but she knew how excited it made me, even all the way through high school, to see my mom show up for things that were important to me or that I worked hard on.

7. Where the lettuce is, and other stupid phone calls
Another running joke in our family is that I actually once called my mom at work to ask her if we had any lettuce at home. Seriously. But since I've come to college, I've called to ask everything from where things are in the grocery store, about various lights on in my car, and, most recently, calling from Virginia about various concerning urinary symptoms. She takes them in stride.

8. How to chase my dreams, even if it feels like I'll never get there.
Over the last four years my mom has answered more than one phone call with me in hysterics when I got a D on a Human Body test, was so frustrated with molecular biology, got rejected from several grad schools, and finally, when I spent months waiting to hear from my first choice graduate school and got so frustrated when everyone else knew where they were going. It was, of course, well worth the wait when we finally found out that I got into Creighton while sitting in a restaurant in Kansas City and my mom screamed so loud I choked on my french fries.

9. Service. 
When Brenna died, my parents opened our home to hundreds of kids in and out all weekend long who truly just needed a place to be with other people who were grieving. My mom was always sure to keep pizza and snacks in the house in case anyone got hungry, but generally left us alone and didn't bother us unless we needed something. Since then, many of my friends have commented on how big of a help it was for them to have somewhere to go in those first few rough, painful days. Last January when we went to Virginia for my uncle's funeral, my mom did everything she could to help my family with whatever was necessary. I watched the way that she can observe a situation, see what needs done, and do it effortlessly just to make someone else's life easier.

10. How she's made me want to be a mom
Although that isn't quite in the cards yet, moving out of the house and spending time with my parents since then has made me want to have kids of my own so that I can have stories of my own that they now share with me. We laugh now when my mom tells the story about how when we built our house when I was two, and were in the process of moving on Mother's Day, I cried because I wanted to go home. When we went to Disneyworld when I was 8, my sister and my mom rode some of the smaller rides while my dad took me on the roller coasters. My sister found that the It's a Small World ride was very enjoyable, and to this day, you can't sing that song around my mom without her getting a horrified look on her face just remembering the number of times she had to listen to that song.

I am excited to have the chance to love other people like she's loved me (my own kids or not) and serve them like she's served me, and set even half of the good example she's set for me.

Thank you mom, for all you do for Megan and I. We are so lucky.

Delivered

I remember vividly the day that I went back to work after Brenna died. Between a funeral, visitation, memorial at the high school, and having close to 50 people in my house for almost three solid days, the afternoon of her funeral felt relieving to go back to work and hold my babies. My coworkers and daycare parents had been well aware of the situation, as it blew up the news in Topeka and the surrounding areas over the weekend. At work that day, I was handed sleeping baby after sleeping baby - in attempt to get to my heart and hope they could make everything just a little bit better.

The following morning I went back to working full time and I was outside on the playground with my four year olds. I've always loved playing tag with them (ask any of my daycare parents why their kids are so wound up after playground time with me) but that day I was content to just sit and watch them, intervening only to kill spiders or help with monkey bar usage. A parent came outside to drop her child off, and I could tell by the look on her face that she understood my pain, somehow. She pulled me into a hug and whispered "I promise you this won't last forever. Someday you'll forget about all of it."

What she meant: "I promise you this feeling is not eternal. Someday, you will forget the pain that has surrounded you over the last five days and the only thing that will remain is your happy memories, and all the things you have learned from her."

What I heard: "I promise you none of this will last. You will forget all about it, and one day say, oh yeah, I did have a friend who passed away in high school."

The good news that I have today is that the first one is definitely correct. Over the last four years it has been a privilege to watch God weave people, situations, and lessons in and out of my life from the foundation of May 25, 2012. All of the pain that I remember being in is now gone, and has been replaced.

The feelings of terror and confusion that overwhelmed me for those first few months as I didn't really fully understand what death was are now gone - as time went on, I learned the permanence of death, but also the permanence of Jesus.

The feeling of misunderstanding and anger that used to come every time there was a court date or new evidence emerged are now gone - and a thirst for Jesus has replaced them. I no longer wonder why he did it, but I wonder why He did it - not because I question God's sovereignty and knowledge, but because I know He has a plan and it makes me excited to learn more about it.

The feeling of overwhelming sadness that used to come every time something reminded me of her (and even sometimes when I wasn't thinking of her) has now been replaced with a peace that I can't explain. This year, a sweet girl on the rowing team joined my bible study and it seemed to be a subtle reminder from God himself - not to remind me that she is gone, but to remind me that He is not.

Please don't misunderstand what I am saying here - there will never be a day that I drive by the church at the corner of 62nd and Highway 75 and I don't think of that night - how the beautiful weather with no wind paralleled the sadness and pain represented by hundreds of people in the street and in fields, collapsing one by one as they heard the news. There will never be a day that someone asks me to take a picture at a very trivial and inopportune time and I don't think of her. There will never be a day when I forget what it felt like to go back to Seaman two days after she died to help finish the yearbook, and the page I had been working on only had one picture on it so far - of her -  and a feeling of defeat overwhelmed me so much that I sat at the table in front of that page and just cried. I will always remember these things because they are life changing - but if you are reading this and you are grieving, take heart, because I promise you it isn't over.

The painful sound of a helicopter overhead, a policeman yelling into an abandoned house, and hearing the name of a friend on the news that just sat behind me at graduation the weekend before are still very present - but very different. Now, those things remind me of the way that my parents set the example of service by allowing hundreds of people in and out of our house for three solid days - always being sure there was food around in case anyone decided to eat. I am reminded of the way that my high school community comes together for those in need - no one is ever left behind. I am reminded of the guys at Jimmy John's that day and the woman from the news station who showed such kindness and sincerity that it could only have been the grace of God himself.

To you who are grieving, whether it be a person, a relationship, or at situation, please know that it isn't over. Looking back, I wish I could have lived the past four years in a way that was in confidence knowing that I would be delivered out of such a painful time. Pretty much anyone I've ever met has some struggle at all points in life - it seems like you just figure out one thing and another comes along - there's nothing wrong with that, it's just human. But I wish I would have been able to live in the assurance four years ago - that God would use the foundation of the good memories and lessons I was having trouble seeing to build upon them and take the painful ones away.

One of my favorite God moments after Brenna died happened in the first few weeks of my freshman year of college. The previous spring, members of our senior class had done a bulletin board written with their advice for incoming seniors to read on their first day of school. On that first day of school, the students found the one that Brenna had written, and it read "Take lots of pictures and enjoy this time, but just remember - the best is yet to come." Knowing her, there was probably a hint of eternal mindset in that quote, but she was likely just telling seniors to enjoy their last days together and keep in mind what college and life after high school would bring. Regardless of her intent, dear friends, I promise you - she was right.

Enriched (Nicaragua, 2016)

I could feel the tears well up in my eyes as I pushed my passport through the tiny slot to the woman at the desk. She gave me a quick glance and began looking through my travel documents. She said something to me in Spanish, but I didn't understand it. Her face never changed from the stony stare as she pushed my papers back through the hole and waved me on. I turned around to wave to our gracious hosts one last time, but couldn't really see them because of the tears streaming down my face. I won't accuse, but I'm pretty sure I saw them wipe some tears too. I made it to the other side of security and sat down to wait. The emotions and memories of the week were beginning to catch up with me - not to mention that the exhaustion of the week and the fact that we were flying overnight.
As I sat in the gate at the airport I reflected back over the moments of the week. Our original intent in Nicaragua was to help with a feeding program, build some benches for the church, and work in a school. Thinking back, those definitely aren't the first things that come to mind.

I think of very first day when we met Genesis (Hen - i - see - s) and the way that she would giggle and laugh. She didn't speak any English and our Spanish was mostly pieces of broken sentences to identify colors, numbers, or body parts. She would giggle hysterically as we would try to say something in Spanish and fail miserably. She loved trying to teach us, playing the hand slap game with us, and her spirit was truly filled with joy. Later, we were setting up for a 'laser tag' game that included taping streamers to plastic chairs and she was more than happy to help reattach streamers as her classmates would rip them down.We learned how to say the word 'here' in Spanish and she humored us as we repeated it over and over to tell her where to put the tape. (and we were more than happy let her help since it included crawling or squirming through rocks and dirt)

I think of the boys I saw roaming around the village during the day, eager to get us to stop working and come play with them. I liked watching the way they chose teams, called out to each other, and got competitive in the games they were either playing or trying to learn.  (Even thought I think most of the time they may have been shouting to each other to not pass the ball to the American girls) Most of all, I liked hearing them laugh. As I looked around at their living conditions and lifestyles that would be a sad picture, I saw how much joy the people brought to the situation.

I think of the eyes that I saw each day as I served food. Some of the children were not very tall, and there were many times that I could only see their eyes over the top of the dish as I spooned in whatever food had been cooked that day.  They would bring black plastic bags with a dish of some sort, a cup, and usually a spoon, and we filled their dish with the food , their cup with juice, and put two gummy vitamins on top - knowing that this might be the only meal they eat until we feed them again tomorrow. I watched how the children were given two gummy vitamins and would wait until they sat down to enjoy them, and sometimes even take them home to share with someone else. Gummy anything is a common treat for American children, and it intrigued me that these children really knew how to appreciate what they were given and wait for it with patience or share it with humility.

I think of the tears I saw in Thelma's eyes after we had finished six benches (and had a seventh cut) for her by the end of our time together. It did not occur to me that she really hadn't grasped that these benches were for her and her husband's church to use during their services, and would fold into tables for the children's lunches everyday. She was overcome with joy at these beautiful benches, knowing that there would be no more using cracked, plastic chairs. The appreciative and humble spirit of the people around us made it seem only appropriate that such a beautiful bench would be in their church.

I think of the way that I heard children laugh as they sat in fellowship with each other. Prior to our trip, poverty was the commercials I've seen on TV or the pictures and statistics in my college textbooks. But I discovered quickly.. that it wasn't true. I found poverty and hunger is the face of a child who is happy and has what they need but deserves far better (as in, if they don't have it, they find a way to get along without it - think running water, electricity, or three meals a day - things most Americans wouldn't think twice about) . I don't like to use those words because they put an image in people's minds that is inaccurate - depicting sadness, loneliness, or neediness, and that isn't what I saw at all. I did not see people this week who have little, but I saw people this week who deserve much.

On our last night in Nicaragua we were discussing takeaways from the trip and their seemed to be two that stuck with everyone. One of them, Wayne mentioned on the first day, was having a spirit of excellence. He would talk (and led by example) about how the work that we do, both this week and as Christians, should be nothing less than excellent - not necessarily in look, but in heart and effort. I'm not a competitive person, so if I'm working on a project that doesn't seem to work right or I can't figure out, my tendency is to be content with what it is and not get too upset about it. But this week, working with my team taught me a lot about how important it is to do things with excellence. I can't count the number of times we couldn't figure out where certain boards went to assemble certain pieces and Heather would stick with it until she figured it out, and sometimes re-cut or re-drill pieces that were even the slightest bit out of place. In the last hour of the last day we discovered that we were missing two boards, and Connor went back out and cut two new ones so that they would be ready for Wayne once we were gone.

The other big takeaway we had during our last debrief was when Carolyn mentioned that she felt this trip was joy-filled. 'Fun' just doesn't seem to describe it. The idea of perfect joy stood out to me on the day that Connor, Natalie and I planned to play kickball with the kids at the school. We were in a 'field' right next to the school (it was only dirt and rocks, no grass) using a rubber ball that we had brought with us, and using rocks as bases. We could not communicate with the kids, but only speak the language of love - cheering when someone kicked it over the fence, laughing when the ball would hit a rock and go sideways, and encouraging even the most shy of children to take a turn kicking. After this week, it'll be a long time before I eat rice again, I'll probably always have negative memories associated with plantains and papayas, and if I don't haul wood again for awhile, that'll be okay. But I learned that it was true joy that got me through the week (directly under joy would be dramamine, gatorade, and chicken) and it was joy that kept our team united, that got our work done, and has forever changed my frame of reference when I think about God's people and what He wants for them.

Upon coming home, I knew I would struggle to go back to my normal life - knowing that I had seen all these kids who deserved so much, and I have so much. Today my mom and I went and got pedicures and all I could think of was the number of children I saw this week and how most of them didn't look like their shoes were doing any good because they were so ripped and used, and many didn't have shoes at all, their feet clearly accustomed to the rocky dirt roads. I think often (and hope this doesn't change as time wears on) about the way I can continue to incorporate this trip and what it taught me into my daily life - both to help others and keep pursuing my spirit of joy and excellence that is still lingering since we've been home.

For those who prayed for us this week, I want you to know that they were felt. There were many things I was concerned about prior to going, and even there were certainly general concerns felt by all team members (health, travel efficiency, and attitude/ability/capacity to work hard towards our goals). Reflecting back, I felt as though we had minimal problems and they were all handled with grace, teamwork, and pepto bismol.

Another big answer to prayers were Wayne and Megan - they were everything you could pray for as a host in a foreign country. They were always sure we had everything we needed, going out of their way to get us medicine, clean water, and even laundry if needed, and taking time at the end of each day to debrief with us to be sure that mentally, emotionally, and spiritually we were taken care of, not just physically. They were there for our constant, touristy questions, and allowed us to serve as eight individuals instead of just a team coming to 'get things done'. It was so rewarding and humbling to see a ministry worked out of nothing but a church made of tin, two fire stoves, and some power tools.

What truly changed for me this week was my perspective on injustice. I've always had a heart for children, and I was, quite honestly, terrified to work with children who did not have things like water, food, or clothes, because I was afraid of it breaking my heart (as prideful of a thought as that is). When I saw these people, I saw a type of community, hard work, and joy that are much harder to come by in America because of our time driven culture that has a tendency to be greedy and materialistic. I learned that God does not let his people live in or be created unequally at all, but he allows them to be created and live differently. God gives His people what they need, but allows them to lack in varying areas so that they might seek Him best.

After a trip like this I think that it is common to come home and want to give everything you had to those specific kids so they might have your clothes, your food, and your water. I think of the boy I saw this week who never had shoes, the two children who always had the same clothes on, and even the lady who checked my passport - and I am inspired by them - first to give willingly and abundantly, but also to have contently. Wayne's determination to live in a spirit of excellence led to my learning from each of the people that I worked with, as they set great examples of Christian people. I learned I wanted to host like Wayne and Megan as they went out of their way to do so much, I wanted to work as hard as Thelma as I saw her hand wash all her clothes and dishes without running water and take gentle and nurturing care of all of the children, and I wanted to adopt the spirit of gratitude and joy that each of the kids seemed to have. My world perspective changed drastically this week as I saw the lives of the people I worked with - and as I learned what it would be like to walk in their shoes.  My biggest lesson from Wayne and Megan this week was understanding where God wants you to give - understanding that realistically, you cannot adopt all the children, feed them, and clothe them. Instead, I learned more about the art of using what you have to give where you can, and be content with everything else.  Wayne's idea of a spirit of excellence includes not only giving to others who may be in need, but living in a way that reflects thankfulness in all situations - to truly be enriched.

An Open Letter to a Christian Challenge Freshman

To a Christian Challenge Freshman,

Each week when I come into Forum Hall, I see you. I may be chatting with friends, hugging people I haven't seen in awhile or marking the text in my bible for the message, but I still see you. You are usually one of two people.. the one who looks eagerly for your life group leader, knowing you belong. Or the one who is very unsure - and tries hard to find someone to talk to. In this room with loud music, loud people, and a loud God, I know you are overwhelmed. And either way - I am so inspired by you. I want to congratulate you on coming to this place - I remember what it felt like to be in a room with several hundred other people, who, at the time, felt like they were all older than me, and knew more about Jesus than I did. It was very intimidating, but the best decision I've ever made - and I'll tell you why.

Dear Christian Challenge freshman, I came to Forum Hall for the first time in January of my freshman year, brought by a senior who had invited me. This January day was three months after losing a dear family friend to cancer, and eight months after losing a friend to murder. Dear Christian Challenge freshman, 'overwhelmed' doesn't even do it justice.

I was overwhelmed by the people around me who were outgoing, talkative, kind, and a million other things. But something else was different about these people. I couldn't put my finger on it. I was overwhelmed by the idea of a 'meet and greet' and it terrified me to my very core when the senior in front of me turned around and introduced herself to me. She didn't look at me for all the things I saw wrong with myself, she genuinely wanted to know about my major, hometown, and family, and I was stunned. I was overwhelmed by the loud music, the powerful message, and these people who seemed to have their lives so together. But there was one thing that I realized about these people after a few weeks of attendance - they were genuine.

These people didn't have their lives together. There are currently girls in my life group who have lost parents and friends, struggle with various sins, are struggling in school, and are stressed out. They don't have their lives together, but they have Jesus together. And Christian Challenge has taught me that's what truly matters.

Dear Christian Challenge freshman, please don't take it for granted. One of my biggest regrets is not joining a bible study freshman year. That idea intimidated me and I never wanted to be in a small group to talk about the tragedy that, at that time, was the last year of my life. I didn't want to tell people all the things I needed help with. But now, I wish I would have had the opportunity to meet each week with people who were older and wiser than I was because I've learned since then that that's where I grow.

Dear Christian Challenge freshman, never take those retreats for granted. It took more than what I felt I had in me when I signed up to go to Summit my sophomore year. I knew one person, and it was the leader of my bible study. I was terrified to ride a bus for eight hours with people I didn't know, to not have any mental picture of this ranch, where I'd sleep, or even where I'd shower. (But plot twist, summit is for hats and deodorant, not showers.) My introverted and anxious self would often get the best of me and I thought about backing out more times than I can count. But with the help of my life group leader, I made it. She stuck by my side the entire four days, but was sure to push me to meet the other girls in my life group (not just shake hands, but truly meet them deeply.) She assisted me in putting some of the pieces of my life together - idolatry was the theme that year, and we talked about all the things I had turned to before God to cope with loss. She broke me down in order to find the best pieces of me so I could figure things out. I was able to meet one other girl in my life group (on the screamer, actually, because they needed a third person.) And we've been best friends since.

Dear Christian Challenge freshman, don't take your leaders for granted. I can tell you first hand, as a senior who has led a bible study for two years, I want nothing more than to have good conversation with the girls that I live life with. I've loved those times when I'm playing Spike Ball at a retreat and someone says "Hey, what did you guys think of the text in Jeremiah we read today?" The girl I met on the screamer, Hannah, and I, usually see each other for two intentional times each week. We have 'bible time' each Tuesday, where she can help me put the pieces together as I continue to read. And we have taco time, where we eat Taco Bell (sorry mom) talk about boys, what heaven might be like, our love of coffee, and any and all possibilities that we might get a snow day next week.

Dear Christian Challenge freshman, don't take these people for granted. Not very often will you find people who are able to deeply admit to you what they are struggling with, listen to your struggles, and pray for you and with you when you both know that only Jesus can fix them. I want you to know that the people that you truly grow with are not people you will find everyday. Never in my life have I felt so confident in myself than when I am around these people. Don't take the socks and chacos and flannel combo for granted. Don't take the swing dancing for granted - even if you suck, you will soon realize how much you bond over trying to learn the dance to the Hoedown Throwdown at 1 in the morning.

Dear Christian Challenge Freshman, do not take this staff for granted. There are very few adults in this world who will willingly get up on stage and talk about their own struggles with a microphone on, and even less who are willing to participate in a panel so that 400 college kids can ask questions about how to live in our selfish and sexually driven culture without flinching - knowing the are doing it because they want to pour into you. Don't take for granted the staff who can stand on stage and tell you that salvation is not found in Christian Challenge - the speaker who is capable of seeing much more than a successful organization that swing dances often.  Don't take for granted the example that is set by these staff members, in the way they treat their spouse, the way they raise their kids, and the way they walk with the Lord.

Dear Christian Challenge freshman, do not take your curiosity for granted. Nothing drives learning about God more than being curious about him. Ask your life group leader. Ask your best friend. Ask the staff - they want nothing more than to help you grow. Ask questions, even if you don't understand the question itself.

Dear Christian Challenge freshman, if you hear nothing else, hear this. I beg of you, do not take your time for granted. You have a limited (hopefully) amount of time here. Do not say to yourself "I will go to Summit next year." Because you are missing out in deep friendships, more memories than you can count, and a big, big, God. Please don't look at the train wreck at Summit and think 'wow that looks unhealthy." Look at it as one of God's greatest blessings. (If you've had the train wreck, you know.) Please sign up to play in the volleyball team, the salad bowl team, or go on the screamer. Please understand that you have a ministry available to you that allows not for them to change your life, but for God to change your life.

Dear Christian Challenge freshman, don't take yourself for granted. Jesus does not use people best when they have their lives together, know all the books of the bible and can name all the prophets, or even when they have a million friends. Jesus uses you best when you feel like you don't even know which books are called the Gospel, feel broken from hurts in life, and do not know anyone in this room of 300.

Last night was my first time at Challenge for the semester, and as I looked around the room, I am excited about moving on. I am excited about the work God has done, and I am excited to find new challenges in life and watch him work even more. Dear Christian Challenge freshman, just as this organization wants to pour into you, be sure you pour yourself into the events activities, and people - because I promise you, you will grow faster and more than you ever thought you could.

Love,

A May 2016 Graduate

He Is

Last semester I posted an entry regarding a story in a class I'd read about a hermit crab and the outgrowing of his shell. The post felt true at the time, but now, being my very last semester, the last set of classes I will take, and the walks to campus that are now numbered, it seems to really ring true. As I make the walk from my apartment to campus, my mind is often flooded with memories of the last four years. I've made that walk a thousand times, but somehow, this semester, it feels very different.

In the last four years, there have been times when I've been in the mountains (literally - two trips to Colorado for a Christian retreat and seminar) and the valleys- the first loss of a true friend simply due to growing up, trying to learn how to do things on my own, and wondering if I'd ever pass human body and learn the muscles of that stupid cat.

I've felt on top of things - the semesters I squeaked by with grades I was proud of and knew I worked hard for, receiving jobs I was excited about, and the day I finally finished my application to graduate school.  But there have been times when I wondered if I could do anything else wrong, be anymore unqualified for the task at hand, or be any more 'not good enough.'

But since then, I've learned. All of these things have left me feeling one thing - overwhelmed. Not  in a negative way, although they may have felt it at the time, but overwhelmed in the way that I'm not sure how the Lord orchestrated the pieces of my life to fit together so perfectly.  Over the last few years I've learned so much about myself, the way I function, and the world around me. My eyes have been opened by the love of new friends, two trips to Hong Kong, and leadership positions I never would have imagined myself in. And to think about all the 'things' over the last four years, I come to one conclusion.

He is. 

He is the voice in my head that helped me to spell all the bones and muscles when I passed human body, but He is also the voice who comforted me when I just barely missed the grade I wanted in physics. He is the the little girl I see at work everyday who almost always forgets her glasses and never eats breakfast before she comes to school, reminding me that my patience and love need to be strong, and my discipline skills are less important.  He is my mom the time I got food poisoning in the middle of the night on Mother's Day, driving to Manhattan immediately to make me soup, clean my room while I sleep, and know how to comfort me like no one else does. He is my dear friend Shawna, who worked with me the first few days after Brenna died, and patiently explained tasks to me that I shouldn't have needed instruction on, knowing the difficulty that surrounded me.

He is the grace of my favorite high school English teacher, who understood when Luke got sick and told me to 'hand in my assignments when I could.' He is my 'second' mom, Steph, who took care of me, loved me, and comforted me in Hong Kong when I was in a state of vulnerability, sickness, and anxiety that I never would have willingly let anyone see. He is the mountain and the valley - the person celebrating with me after hiking to the top of the mountain in Colorado (and with me as I ate it for a solid fifteen feet on the way down) and He is the rejection of a first choice graduate school - reminding me He is bigger than my desires.

Without a doubt - over the last four years there have been times when I felt like God could not be farther from me. The day that I sat in Bill Snyder Family Stadium while Brenna was honored on the big screen, feeling surrounded by people and yet not connected to anyone. The day that I sat in the airport with my family at 6:30 in the morning because of the sudden death of a relative, and the day that I realized that yes, I suffer from depression, and I have no idea how to fix it. Through various rejections, confusion, and uncertainty, I have wondered: what, where, and how is God?

But through all those things, and more, I learned: He just is.

One of my favorite 'things' to look back on was a turn of events on my first Hong Kong trip.  He was the night that I had to stay back at the school (angrily) and not go to the church dinner because I didn't feel good. He was the willingness Ray had to stay with me and we went from and awkward situation, that kind of felt like babysitting, to realizing how much we had in common, both our strengths and our weaknesses. He was the way that Ray pushed through his hatred of small talk and quickly became one of my closest friends. He was the verse Ray shared with me that changed my way of thinking for the next day, as well as the years to come, as I was scheduled to give a devotion that I was incredibly nervous for.

"But he said to me: My grace is sufficient for you. My power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." (2 Corinthians, 12:9, NIV)

I love this verse for a lot of reasons, but one is definitely that it is applicable during all seasons of my life. This verse, in essence, says that I am not good enough. Just typing that takes a weight off my shoulders, because God said it, not me. There are always skills I won't have, desires that can't be met, and an underlying feeling of incompetency. But, through the last four years, I've heard this to be true in so many ways.

I truly do not know where my confidence would come from to move onto graduate school, move farther away from home, and start what I know will be a very challenging three years. I just know that He is over, under, in-between, and right in the middle of those things.

This verse is also easily paired with the story of the hermit crab - the poor guy spends a whole year making his shell beautiful with the perfect location and the perfect friends surrounding him, that he doesn't have any time to enjoy it, and then the shell is too small for him again. If there is anything the Lord has taught me over the last four years, it's that I am the shell, - I will never be good enough, that's His job - and if I don't stop to enjoy the blessings he's given me and his presence as I find it, my shell will be too small before I can make everything perfect - each and every time.