Last semester I posted an entry regarding a story in a class I'd read about a hermit crab and the outgrowing of his shell. The post felt true at the time, but now, being my very last semester, the last set of classes I will take, and the walks to campus that are now numbered, it seems to really ring true. As I make the walk from my apartment to campus, my mind is often flooded with memories of the last four years. I've made that walk a thousand times, but somehow, this semester, it feels very different.
In the last four years, there have been times when I've been in the mountains (literally - two trips to Colorado for a Christian retreat and seminar) and the valleys- the first loss of a true friend simply due to growing up, trying to learn how to do things on my own, and wondering if I'd ever pass human body and learn the muscles of that stupid cat.
I've felt on top of things - the semesters I squeaked by with grades I was proud of and knew I worked hard for, receiving jobs I was excited about, and the day I finally finished my application to graduate school. But there have been times when I wondered if I could do anything else wrong, be anymore unqualified for the task at hand, or be any more 'not good enough.'
But since then, I've learned. All of these things have left me feeling one thing - overwhelmed. Not in a negative way, although they may have felt it at the time, but overwhelmed in the way that I'm not sure how the Lord orchestrated the pieces of my life to fit together so perfectly. Over the last few years I've learned so much about myself, the way I function, and the world around me. My eyes have been opened by the love of new friends, two trips to Hong Kong, and leadership positions I never would have imagined myself in. And to think about all the 'things' over the last four years, I come to one conclusion.
He is.
He is the voice in my head that helped me to spell all the bones and muscles when I passed human body, but He is also the voice who comforted me when I just barely missed the grade I wanted in physics. He is the the little girl I see at work everyday who almost always forgets her glasses and never eats breakfast before she comes to school, reminding me that my patience and love need to be strong, and my discipline skills are less important. He is my mom the time I got food poisoning in the middle of the night on Mother's Day, driving to Manhattan immediately to make me soup, clean my room while I sleep, and know how to comfort me like no one else does. He is my dear friend Shawna, who worked with me the first few days after Brenna died, and patiently explained tasks to me that I shouldn't have needed instruction on, knowing the difficulty that surrounded me.
He is the grace of my favorite high school English teacher, who understood when Luke got sick and told me to 'hand in my assignments when I could.' He is my 'second' mom, Steph, who took care of me, loved me, and comforted me in Hong Kong when I was in a state of vulnerability, sickness, and anxiety that I never would have willingly let anyone see. He is the mountain and the valley - the person celebrating with me after hiking to the top of the mountain in Colorado (and with me as I ate it for a solid fifteen feet on the way down) and He is the rejection of a first choice graduate school - reminding me He is bigger than my desires.
But through all those things, and more, I learned: He just is.
One of my favorite 'things' to look back on was a turn of events on my first Hong Kong trip. He was the night that I had to stay back at the school (angrily) and not go to the church dinner because I didn't feel good. He was the willingness Ray had to stay with me and we went from and awkward situation, that kind of felt like babysitting, to realizing how much we had in common, both our strengths and our weaknesses. He was the way that Ray pushed through his hatred of small talk and quickly became one of my closest friends. He was the verse Ray shared with me that changed my way of thinking for the next day, as well as the years to come, as I was scheduled to give a devotion that I was incredibly nervous for.
"But he said to me: My grace is sufficient for you. My power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." (2 Corinthians, 12:9, NIV)
I love this verse for a lot of reasons, but one is definitely that it is applicable during all seasons of my life. This verse, in essence, says that I am not good enough. Just typing that takes a weight off my shoulders, because God said it, not me. There are always skills I won't have, desires that can't be met, and an underlying feeling of incompetency. But, through the last four years, I've heard this to be true in so many ways.
I truly do not know where my confidence would come from to move onto graduate school, move farther away from home, and start what I know will be a very challenging three years. I just know that He is over, under, in-between, and right in the middle of those things.
This verse is also easily paired with the story of the hermit crab - the poor guy spends a whole year making his shell beautiful with the perfect location and the perfect friends surrounding him, that he doesn't have any time to enjoy it, and then the shell is too small for him again. If there is anything the Lord has taught me over the last four years, it's that I am the shell, - I will never be good enough, that's His job - and if I don't stop to enjoy the blessings he's given me and his presence as I find it, my shell will be too small before I can make everything perfect - each and every time.
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