The following morning I went back to working full time and I was outside on the playground with my four year olds. I've always loved playing tag with them (ask any of my daycare parents why their kids are so wound up after playground time with me) but that day I was content to just sit and watch them, intervening only to kill spiders or help with monkey bar usage. A parent came outside to drop her child off, and I could tell by the look on her face that she understood my pain, somehow. She pulled me into a hug and whispered "I promise you this won't last forever. Someday you'll forget about all of it."
What she meant: "I promise you this feeling is not eternal. Someday, you will forget the pain that has surrounded you over the last five days and the only thing that will remain is your happy memories, and all the things you have learned from her."
What I heard: "I promise you none of this will last. You will forget all about it, and one day say, oh yeah, I did have a friend who passed away in high school."
The good news that I have today is that the first one is definitely correct. Over the last four years it has been a privilege to watch God weave people, situations, and lessons in and out of my life from the foundation of May 25, 2012. All of the pain that I remember being in is now gone, and has been replaced.
The feelings of terror and confusion that overwhelmed me for those first few months as I didn't really fully understand what death was are now gone - as time went on, I learned the permanence of death, but also the permanence of Jesus.
The feeling of misunderstanding and anger that used to come every time there was a court date or new evidence emerged are now gone - and a thirst for Jesus has replaced them. I no longer wonder why he did it, but I wonder why He did it - not because I question God's sovereignty and knowledge, but because I know He has a plan and it makes me excited to learn more about it.
The feeling of overwhelming sadness that used to come every time something reminded me of her (and even sometimes when I wasn't thinking of her) has now been replaced with a peace that I can't explain. This year, a sweet girl on the rowing team joined my bible study and it seemed to be a subtle reminder from God himself - not to remind me that she is gone, but to remind me that He is not.
Please don't misunderstand what I am saying here - there will never be a day that I drive by the church at the corner of 62nd and Highway 75 and I don't think of that night - how the beautiful weather with no wind paralleled the sadness and pain represented by hundreds of people in the street and in fields, collapsing one by one as they heard the news. There will never be a day that someone asks me to take a picture at a very trivial and inopportune time and I don't think of her. There will never be a day when I forget what it felt like to go back to Seaman two days after she died to help finish the yearbook, and the page I had been working on only had one picture on it so far - of her - and a feeling of defeat overwhelmed me so much that I sat at the table in front of that page and just cried. I will always remember these things because they are life changing - but if you are reading this and you are grieving, take heart, because I promise you it isn't over.
The painful sound of a helicopter overhead, a policeman yelling into an abandoned house, and hearing the name of a friend on the news that just sat behind me at graduation the weekend before are still very present - but very different. Now, those things remind me of the way that my parents set the example of service by allowing hundreds of people in and out of our house for three solid days - always being sure there was food around in case anyone decided to eat. I am reminded of the way that my high school community comes together for those in need - no one is ever left behind. I am reminded of the guys at Jimmy John's that day and the woman from the news station who showed such kindness and sincerity that it could only have been the grace of God himself.
To you who are grieving, whether it be a person, a relationship, or at situation, please know that it isn't over. Looking back, I wish I could have lived the past four years in a way that was in confidence knowing that I would be delivered out of such a painful time. Pretty much anyone I've ever met has some struggle at all points in life - it seems like you just figure out one thing and another comes along - there's nothing wrong with that, it's just human. But I wish I would have been able to live in the assurance four years ago - that God would use the foundation of the good memories and lessons I was having trouble seeing to build upon them and take the painful ones away.
One of my favorite God moments after Brenna died happened in the first few weeks of my freshman year of college. The previous spring, members of our senior class had done a bulletin board written with their advice for incoming seniors to read on their first day of school. On that first day of school, the students found the one that Brenna had written, and it read "Take lots of pictures and enjoy this time, but just remember - the best is yet to come." Knowing her, there was probably a hint of eternal mindset in that quote, but she was likely just telling seniors to enjoy their last days together and keep in mind what college and life after high school would bring. Regardless of her intent, dear friends, I promise you - she was right.
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