The Starfish

One day, a man was walking along the beach when he noticed a boy walking along, picking up some starfish. He would pick one up and then throw it back in the ocean, continue to walk, choose another one, and throw it back. "What are you doing?" The man asked. "You know that you will never make a difference with all these starfish." The boy picked up a starfish and tossed it back into the ocean. "It made a difference to that one" he replied.

It is very easy to get into a mindset in life similar to that of the man's - not worrying about what seems to be 'the little things', and getting caught up in the larger picture of life. Those of us that graduated with Brenna, now four years later, are either finishing up college or have graduated and are beginning new chapters in life. It is easy to think big picture - career, college, graduate school, and for some, marriage and a family.

But at one time, the little things were very important to us. Still in my room sits the whiffle ball that we received at her funeral - something I know will stay with me for a long time. I still have the happy birthday tiara, slightly faded, that was hers, and the 'celebrate everything' sign that I received the night we went to look through her things. That night happened to be my 18th birthday, and my friend Katelyn came to ride with me, and she brought me a balloon and a cupcake to eat as we drove over to do the hardest thing that I have ever done. It was the little things.

The little things have slowly started to fade and lose meaning. The newscaster's voice used to ring in my ears "Brenna Morgart has been reported missing since 11 a.m. on Friday, May 25..." for months after she died. For a long time, I could not see the patriot guard without tearing up and remembering the way that the man opened the door for me that day at her funeral, unable to make eye contact as I thanked him because he, too, was near losing it. I have felt less and less like I have to keep every 'little thing' - trinket, picture, or gift she ever gave me, because the impact she left has not deteriorated over time, but has multiplied.

For anyone who is not familiar with the ways of starfish reproduction (which I assume is 99% of you reading this) I will inform you that starfish, unlike most creatures, do not need two beings to reproduce, but they actually lose a limb that basically grows a new starfish. A couple years ago, my family was at the beach, and I tried to pick up a starfish and I broke it's leg off. This story is funny now, but I cried for like ten minutes. My sister, caring and precious as she is, just informed me that I was helping the starfish reproduce. As starfish are one of our most joyous finds on our beach trips, I was okay with this - it was one more starfish to add joy to someone else's day.

As time has passed, the lessons and memories of Brenna have seemed to do this very thing. The details of them means less, but they have never vanished, only weaved their way into new interests, memories, and paths of life. Those things that were once so painful to look at (like the whiffle ball) have now become subtle, concrete pieces of my heart that make me smile when I see them. (like the way that I remember Pastor Cogswell hitting them into the audience with a plastic bat at the 1400 people present at her funeral, and missing a few - talk about pressure) Brenna was a joy, that I was blessed to get to spend five years with, but I know that someday, in the grand scheme of things, that might be a distant memory. Pleasant and heartwarming, but distant. She was unbelievably good at taking pieces of herself and giving them to others to make their days, weeks, or even lives better. (not in the literal sense like the starfish do, but you know what I mean)

She was the person who could easily pick someone up on a bad day, just like the boy did. She was the person who would give a piece herself to others to make them happier, or to lend a hand. Although I am sad to admit that my memories with her have faded, and I know that is only going to progress, the lessons have not.

There is a word for the type of person that Brenna was, and it is grace. Grace was recently defined to me by someone wise as simply 'being nicer to people than they deserve.' Grace sounds like a religious, complex word, but it really is not when you think about it that way. Everyone, religious or not, has days when they need someone to be a little nicer than they deserve. If you look, those people are easy to find. It might be a coworker, the Walmart cashier, or someone in your family. It is an easy way to multiply a love that you once received.

On May 23, 2012, Brenna posted her last Facebook status. I will attach it below, but it read "There are two ways to live life: one as though nothing is a miracle, and one is though everything is a miracle." -Albert Einstein. At face value, you might think "What a nice quote" or "Oh, I should start living the other way around." We live a world where everything has a consequence, a logic, a reason. Although that's not a bad thing, it'd be nice to live in a world where you lived thinking you were just really darned lucky to have everything you do.

It is my goal to someday be half of the person that Brenna was. To toss back half of the starfish she did, and to go half of the lengths that she did to give part of herself to better others. I am thankful that over time, the little, both painful and happy memories have faded. The chunks missing in my memory due to the way that the brain handles trauma have been smoothed over. But the footprints she left in my heart about investing in others have only gotten larger and more bold. To the people who have helped me survive, understand, and grow in the past four years, thank you. To the people by my side as we learned what pain really was, thank you. But to the girl who taught me what grace is, I thank you the most.

To the Incoming College Freshman - 24 Things I Learned In College

1. I cannot bold this one enough, but YOU CAN DO IT. 
I used to go each semester and speak to a class at my high school about college and the transition that accompanies it. Usually, I just stood at the front of the room and invited them to pelt me with every pressing question they could think of. One of the most popular ones I got was inquiring the actual difficulty level they would face. I won't say college is easy, but I promise you that you can do it. You are here because you want to be here, and that is at least 98% of the battle. (I made that percentage up but that's what it feels like)

2. Extra Credit is like Imodium.
Like imodium, extra credit doesn't really seem that valuable until you actually need it. College extra credit is much smaller than high school extra credit, usually only two or three points depending on the professor. You will probably think, "Oh, I have a 92, and I know that the final will be easy." but then next thing you know you're home because your dog breaks his leg or something, miss an in class assignment, and those one or two points would have made the difference between the A and the B. There is no time when extra credit will not come in handy. I promise. So unless you or someone close to you is dying, take advantage of it.

3. Make friends with important people. 
Here I am not necessarily talking about the Dean of your college or even your professors, although you should definitely be very nice to those people because they control a lot of decisions that could really affect you. I am thinking more of like, your RA, your roommate, or the workers in the dining center. These people have much more indirect control over you, but are still in charge of your less basic needs, like fun floor events, the food that you must eat, or your general sanity when you are in your living space. Even if you absolutely despise these people, at least bust your butt to be nice to them. In the words of my mom, be the bigger person. You won't always notice definitely positive feedback if you are nice, but I promise you'll notice negative feedback if you aren't.

4. Assume that the internet will crap out on you at the worst possible time.
Among helping you with research, finding you funny memes, and being the source of your dorm decorations, one of the internet's favorite hobbies is going out when you need it most. This sounds very negative, but really I am just trying to save you heartache that will overwhelm you. If the quiz is due at midnight and you have fifteen minutes to take it, do not start it at 11:45. I know that some of you function this way and that is okay. Just understand the if the internet does go down at this time, your professor will probably ask why you waited so long and be much less helpful about getting the quiz back and accepting it late.

5. Go out of your way to be helpful and kind. 
Generally speaking, college is basically a bunch of people living together and doing life together and trying to survive together while they live without their mommies and daddies for the first time. sometimes those people will remind you that it is not best on your body to eat taco bell five meals in a row, and sometimes you will go pick them up from the bar at 3 a.m. when you have a test at 8:30. It is a big, sometimes uneven, list of IOU's, but just know that your friends and roommates and classmates  are your best survival resource, so, unless people are taking advantage of you, share your notes when someone has the flu, drive across town when your roommate gets locked out, and generally give kindness to others.

6. Find a keep folder. 
I really don't know how common this is but it has worked beautifully for me. Find one specific folder and label it KEEP in sharpie. In it should live things that are vital to your existence and success as a human being. I am talking passports, immunization records, lease agreements, and basically anything you have to keep for over a year and/or has nowhere else to live. It is likely that you will be moving a lot in college, from dorms to greek houses to apartments, and now all of your important things have a place to travel safely.

7. Know your professor.
These can be some intimidating people, let me tell you. But they are important and you should know them well. One entertaining way to accomplish this is trying to decide (nonverbally) what your professor's spirit animal is. If you think it might be any kind of reptile, turn in your assignments quietly, ask for help when you need it in a very polite and professional way, and go about your own business. If you are dealing with, say, a six week old lab puppy, it would be a good idea to utilize office hours and get to know them a little.

8. Your professors are not out for anything but your success. 
Sometimes this may not seem to be the case, but keep in mind that they likely have several hundred students to keep track of and grade tests for, and they have a hard time giving you the benefit of the doubt for your sickness during your test when the kid in front of you used the 'my grandma died' excuse for the fifth time this semester. They want your success, but most of the time, they need you to leave their class with knowledge to do an actual job in the real world, so they don't let a lot skate by. Be an adult, turn things in on time, and DO NOT MAKE EXCUSES.

9. Learn how to write a professional e-mail. Use it when in doubt about how to talk with someone, and use it with anyone who is above you.
*Note: Always review the syllabus before e-mailing a professor, they aren't going to waste the time to reiterate policies that they, quite literally, handed to you. Here is an example.

Professor,

I have been sick this week and missed your class on Tuesday. After catching up with a classmate, I learned we had a pop quiz. I notice that your absence policy is that with documentation, I can make that up. I would really love to come in during office hours and retake it if you were willing to look at my doctors note. Thank you for your time,

Emily

*Note: If you would text someone what you are saying, it isn't formal enough for a professional e-mail.

10. Germs
If you live in a dorm, I hate to say it, you are living in a giant container of germs. A fun, social, friendship -y container, but that's what it is. Befriend Lysol wipes, and wash your hands a lot.

11. Get enough sleep. 
Know yourself and know how much sleep you need to simply survive, to function, and to thrive. My dear friend Hannah is the kind of person that can get about 90 minutes of sleep and look and act like gold the next day, and i am more of the eight or nine hour kind of person. When I don't get enough sleep the night before a test, I don't do well on the test. My roommates affectionately refer to me as the grandmother of our household due to my early bedtime, but that's alright.

12. Studying can be done in thousands of ways, so find your favorite. 
I really think one  of the most common problems with incoming college student success is that no one has ever taught you how to study. People think that it is just reading the book, and it isn't. Studying is active, not passive. Here are some ways that I have studied over the last four years, choose your favorites.

-Reading the book and taking notes, then make sure that your class notes and your book notes line up and aid each other in explaining the topic.
-How would you explain this to a kindergartner? If you can't, you probably don't know it well enough.
-Color code. When I took biology I hung color coded diagrams around my room with the different systems of the body. If done early enough before a test, I could take a quick gander around the room every few hours and they would slowly sink in. When I took the test, I was like, oh yes, the respiratory system was the blue, and I had a much easier time labeling and describing.
-Quizlet and StudyBlue are a few of my favorite online resources. Conveniently, they both have iPad (and probably iPhone) apps and can be utilized for the few minutes while you wait for a class, or before meeting with a friend, or for ten minutes while you lay in bed at night.
-Read a paragraph out of the book and then either speak or write a summary of it. If you can't do that, you probably don't know the book well enough.
-*BONUS: If you are tech savvy, figure out how to upload study guides to trivia crack. Then show me how.

13. Purchase durable winter element clothes if you live in any state north of Texas. 
Here I am really thinking about your feet if they have to walk through several blocks of snow (Hint: Don't wear vans.), a winter coat, and an ear band. Gloves and such are also valuable, but generally, my feet, torso, and ears always get cold first. "Because I was cold" is not an acceptable reason your professor will take for not coming to class.

14. Be organized. 
Dorm rooms can be some downright terrifying places. Between the two people who have never been on their own to decorate before, the fact that they may have exact opposite tastes and preferences, and trying to cram two people's belongings in an 11x11 room, you can pretty easily lose yourself in them, both your physical person and your sanity. Don't keep things you don't need (don't take that winter coat and boots until your shorts and swimsuits can go home) and give the things you do have a certain home in your room. If it doesn't have a home, you may not need it.

15. Do fun stuff.
You should certainly do the normal fun things, like go to university sporting events and attend events with your floor and go get the free ice cream in the union on a random Wednesday. But you should also go out on a Monday when the Royals win the world series, pick the sport you are worst and and play it in intramurals (as long as your teammates are not the university's athletes) and play Hostages with your floor mates at 3 a.m.

16. Know the reality of your professors.
You are going to have way more Minerva McGonagall's than you will Dolores Umbridge's. Promise.

17. Take time for yourself. 
Take an HOUR each day and do something you enjoy. That could feel kind of generous some weeks, but if you strive for that, that's good. Studying for 12 straight hours will not help you remember the information, you need a break. Watch one episode of your choice of show on Netflix while you eat breakfast and dinner, go outside and shoot baskets, read your favorite guilty pleasure teenage novel, play trivia crack against your grandmother. (Although if you are studying you are likely using a computer, so try to do things during your time without a screen) It's going to feel like you can't spare the time, but if you don't take time for yourself, you won't have a yourself to do any studying at all.

18. Listen to your mom.
In all reality, this probably should have been number one. Listen to her when she suggests sticking an umbrella in your backpack, listen when she tells you that this boy you're dating probably isn't good for you, listen to her when she tells you how to get that stain out. Listen. To. Your. Mom.

19. Appreciate home. 
You'll probably learn this on your own, but being away gives you a whole new appreciation for your home and the people that inhabit it. Spend time with them, cherish them, and visit them whenever you can.

20. Moving sucks.
However, between the ages of 18-22, it's almost inevitable that you'll end up moving at least twice, and it is a giant pain in the rear. Moving brings out the stress in everyone, so if your pals are moving, offer to lend a hand (even if you're like me and can only carry light things like books and houseplants) Just know that everyone is a little more tense on moving day, especially if people are moving you, because you have to make a lot of rash decisions. Put on your patience panties and just know that.

21. Understand laundry and it's complicated details. 
By this, I basically mean that a tide-to-

go pen should be carried with you at all times, and when all else fails, hairspray gets pretty much any stain out. I have used this multiple times. You will be surprised at how often you play the 'how long can I go without doing laundry' game, and you don't want to ruin something just because you don't need to do laundry.

22. At least once in college, take a road trip. 
Pretty much the only way to take a road trip is to develop excellent bonds and teamwork skills with your companions, and it is almost inevitable that these will come in the most ridiculous, inconvenient, and stupid possible ways. Running out of gas in western Kansas, trying to read an atlas together, and then probably trying to fold the atlas. Seriously, take them.

23. Ask for help when you need it. 
College is the first time in your life where you are learning how to do things on your own, and EVERYONE has questions. Do some research to figure things out on your own, but be okay with asking for help. Much of the time, you will learn twice as much if you take the time to ask, after you've given it your best effort. This goes for assignments, your dorm or apartment maintenance and upkeep, and generally, anything involving insurance.

24. Don't put too much pressure on yourself. 
People like to say that college is the best four years of your life, which I think can be a load of bologna. There are fun things, like lake swimming on the first Kansas day above 60, or eating donuts at three in the morning with your best friends. But there are a lot of stressors, too. Dealing with difficult professors or group members, the test that makes or breaks your grade, and wondering if you will ever understand what a co-pay is. (For the record, I still don't.) Like any stage of life, it has it's ups and downs, but the less pressure you put on yourself to make it perfect, the better it will be.

Ten Things I Learned From My Mom

1. Always be more kind to people than they deserve
I can't count the number of times I watched my mom converse with people who had different beliefs than she did, or weren't very nice to her, etc. She always treated them with as much kindness as she could physically muster up, and then just kept right on moving.

2. Be the bigger person.
My mom used to tell my sister and I this when there was someone at school who was bothering us and she was trying to teach us it really wasn't worth being upset about. There was one particular person throughout my middle school and high school career that really bothered me, and that was always the advice my mom gave. One day my senior year of high school, I came home and flung my backpack across the room and screamed "I am TIRED of being the bigger person." - but even after being out of the house for four years, I still try my best to do this.

3. Always eat the center of the cinnamon roll first.
One of the only days my sister and I ate hot lunch at school was on the days our school had cinnamon rolls and chili, and it was pretty much only for the cinnamon rolls. She always used to tell us to eat the center of the cinnamon roll first just in case you are too full to finish it all. High level, this translates to enjoying life's little gifts.

4. The goal of makeup is to make it look like you aren't wearing any (except stage makeup, which my mom also did) 
Thanks to my mom, I am forever saved from looking back on middle school pictures that make me want to disown myself, at least in the makeup department. My mom spent considerable time teaching me how to put on makeup so that I didn't look like a clown, and even more time doing my dance hair and makeup for close to 15 years. She probably put more time into my appearance than I actually spent onstage, but it was always perfect.

5. How to put other people first
My mom packed my lunch for the entire 13 years I was in school. Although there were days when it tested my desire for my independence, she set an example of service. When my sister and I were in middle school, one of our closest family friends had their youngest son Luke, and their two older kids spent quite a bit of time with us. My mom made sure everyone got to school (a big deal considering we went to different schools) to their appropriate activities, and had their homework done. She also was responsible for getting about half our neighborhood on the bus at some point in my childhood, and when I look back at that group of kids, it's amazing she did that successfully. I also know that it is not my mom's favorite thing on the planet when she has to take me to the airport to let me go overseas for a week or two at a time, but she lets it happen because she knows how much I love traveling overseas and everything I've learned form those trips.

6. Being present is more important than having presents. 
My mom (or dad, if he was off work) was at every school field trip, every event, and volunteered for everything my sister and I did. I know that sometimes these were not the most fun events, but she knew how excited it made me, even all the way through high school, to see my mom show up for things that were important to me or that I worked hard on.

7. Where the lettuce is, and other stupid phone calls
Another running joke in our family is that I actually once called my mom at work to ask her if we had any lettuce at home. Seriously. But since I've come to college, I've called to ask everything from where things are in the grocery store, about various lights on in my car, and, most recently, calling from Virginia about various concerning urinary symptoms. She takes them in stride.

8. How to chase my dreams, even if it feels like I'll never get there.
Over the last four years my mom has answered more than one phone call with me in hysterics when I got a D on a Human Body test, was so frustrated with molecular biology, got rejected from several grad schools, and finally, when I spent months waiting to hear from my first choice graduate school and got so frustrated when everyone else knew where they were going. It was, of course, well worth the wait when we finally found out that I got into Creighton while sitting in a restaurant in Kansas City and my mom screamed so loud I choked on my french fries.

9. Service. 
When Brenna died, my parents opened our home to hundreds of kids in and out all weekend long who truly just needed a place to be with other people who were grieving. My mom was always sure to keep pizza and snacks in the house in case anyone got hungry, but generally left us alone and didn't bother us unless we needed something. Since then, many of my friends have commented on how big of a help it was for them to have somewhere to go in those first few rough, painful days. Last January when we went to Virginia for my uncle's funeral, my mom did everything she could to help my family with whatever was necessary. I watched the way that she can observe a situation, see what needs done, and do it effortlessly just to make someone else's life easier.

10. How she's made me want to be a mom
Although that isn't quite in the cards yet, moving out of the house and spending time with my parents since then has made me want to have kids of my own so that I can have stories of my own that they now share with me. We laugh now when my mom tells the story about how when we built our house when I was two, and were in the process of moving on Mother's Day, I cried because I wanted to go home. When we went to Disneyworld when I was 8, my sister and my mom rode some of the smaller rides while my dad took me on the roller coasters. My sister found that the It's a Small World ride was very enjoyable, and to this day, you can't sing that song around my mom without her getting a horrified look on her face just remembering the number of times she had to listen to that song.

I am excited to have the chance to love other people like she's loved me (my own kids or not) and serve them like she's served me, and set even half of the good example she's set for me.

Thank you mom, for all you do for Megan and I. We are so lucky.