An Open Letter to a Christian Challenge Freshman

To a Christian Challenge Freshman,

Each week when I come into Forum Hall, I see you. I may be chatting with friends, hugging people I haven't seen in awhile or marking the text in my bible for the message, but I still see you. You are usually one of two people.. the one who looks eagerly for your life group leader, knowing you belong. Or the one who is very unsure - and tries hard to find someone to talk to. In this room with loud music, loud people, and a loud God, I know you are overwhelmed. And either way - I am so inspired by you. I want to congratulate you on coming to this place - I remember what it felt like to be in a room with several hundred other people, who, at the time, felt like they were all older than me, and knew more about Jesus than I did. It was very intimidating, but the best decision I've ever made - and I'll tell you why.

Dear Christian Challenge freshman, I came to Forum Hall for the first time in January of my freshman year, brought by a senior who had invited me. This January day was three months after losing a dear family friend to cancer, and eight months after losing a friend to murder. Dear Christian Challenge freshman, 'overwhelmed' doesn't even do it justice.

I was overwhelmed by the people around me who were outgoing, talkative, kind, and a million other things. But something else was different about these people. I couldn't put my finger on it. I was overwhelmed by the idea of a 'meet and greet' and it terrified me to my very core when the senior in front of me turned around and introduced herself to me. She didn't look at me for all the things I saw wrong with myself, she genuinely wanted to know about my major, hometown, and family, and I was stunned. I was overwhelmed by the loud music, the powerful message, and these people who seemed to have their lives so together. But there was one thing that I realized about these people after a few weeks of attendance - they were genuine.

These people didn't have their lives together. There are currently girls in my life group who have lost parents and friends, struggle with various sins, are struggling in school, and are stressed out. They don't have their lives together, but they have Jesus together. And Christian Challenge has taught me that's what truly matters.

Dear Christian Challenge freshman, please don't take it for granted. One of my biggest regrets is not joining a bible study freshman year. That idea intimidated me and I never wanted to be in a small group to talk about the tragedy that, at that time, was the last year of my life. I didn't want to tell people all the things I needed help with. But now, I wish I would have had the opportunity to meet each week with people who were older and wiser than I was because I've learned since then that that's where I grow.

Dear Christian Challenge freshman, never take those retreats for granted. It took more than what I felt I had in me when I signed up to go to Summit my sophomore year. I knew one person, and it was the leader of my bible study. I was terrified to ride a bus for eight hours with people I didn't know, to not have any mental picture of this ranch, where I'd sleep, or even where I'd shower. (But plot twist, summit is for hats and deodorant, not showers.) My introverted and anxious self would often get the best of me and I thought about backing out more times than I can count. But with the help of my life group leader, I made it. She stuck by my side the entire four days, but was sure to push me to meet the other girls in my life group (not just shake hands, but truly meet them deeply.) She assisted me in putting some of the pieces of my life together - idolatry was the theme that year, and we talked about all the things I had turned to before God to cope with loss. She broke me down in order to find the best pieces of me so I could figure things out. I was able to meet one other girl in my life group (on the screamer, actually, because they needed a third person.) And we've been best friends since.

Dear Christian Challenge freshman, don't take your leaders for granted. I can tell you first hand, as a senior who has led a bible study for two years, I want nothing more than to have good conversation with the girls that I live life with. I've loved those times when I'm playing Spike Ball at a retreat and someone says "Hey, what did you guys think of the text in Jeremiah we read today?" The girl I met on the screamer, Hannah, and I, usually see each other for two intentional times each week. We have 'bible time' each Tuesday, where she can help me put the pieces together as I continue to read. And we have taco time, where we eat Taco Bell (sorry mom) talk about boys, what heaven might be like, our love of coffee, and any and all possibilities that we might get a snow day next week.

Dear Christian Challenge freshman, don't take these people for granted. Not very often will you find people who are able to deeply admit to you what they are struggling with, listen to your struggles, and pray for you and with you when you both know that only Jesus can fix them. I want you to know that the people that you truly grow with are not people you will find everyday. Never in my life have I felt so confident in myself than when I am around these people. Don't take the socks and chacos and flannel combo for granted. Don't take the swing dancing for granted - even if you suck, you will soon realize how much you bond over trying to learn the dance to the Hoedown Throwdown at 1 in the morning.

Dear Christian Challenge Freshman, do not take this staff for granted. There are very few adults in this world who will willingly get up on stage and talk about their own struggles with a microphone on, and even less who are willing to participate in a panel so that 400 college kids can ask questions about how to live in our selfish and sexually driven culture without flinching - knowing the are doing it because they want to pour into you. Don't take for granted the staff who can stand on stage and tell you that salvation is not found in Christian Challenge - the speaker who is capable of seeing much more than a successful organization that swing dances often.  Don't take for granted the example that is set by these staff members, in the way they treat their spouse, the way they raise their kids, and the way they walk with the Lord.

Dear Christian Challenge freshman, do not take your curiosity for granted. Nothing drives learning about God more than being curious about him. Ask your life group leader. Ask your best friend. Ask the staff - they want nothing more than to help you grow. Ask questions, even if you don't understand the question itself.

Dear Christian Challenge freshman, if you hear nothing else, hear this. I beg of you, do not take your time for granted. You have a limited (hopefully) amount of time here. Do not say to yourself "I will go to Summit next year." Because you are missing out in deep friendships, more memories than you can count, and a big, big, God. Please don't look at the train wreck at Summit and think 'wow that looks unhealthy." Look at it as one of God's greatest blessings. (If you've had the train wreck, you know.) Please sign up to play in the volleyball team, the salad bowl team, or go on the screamer. Please understand that you have a ministry available to you that allows not for them to change your life, but for God to change your life.

Dear Christian Challenge freshman, don't take yourself for granted. Jesus does not use people best when they have their lives together, know all the books of the bible and can name all the prophets, or even when they have a million friends. Jesus uses you best when you feel like you don't even know which books are called the Gospel, feel broken from hurts in life, and do not know anyone in this room of 300.

Last night was my first time at Challenge for the semester, and as I looked around the room, I am excited about moving on. I am excited about the work God has done, and I am excited to find new challenges in life and watch him work even more. Dear Christian Challenge freshman, just as this organization wants to pour into you, be sure you pour yourself into the events activities, and people - because I promise you, you will grow faster and more than you ever thought you could.

Love,

A May 2016 Graduate

He Is

Last semester I posted an entry regarding a story in a class I'd read about a hermit crab and the outgrowing of his shell. The post felt true at the time, but now, being my very last semester, the last set of classes I will take, and the walks to campus that are now numbered, it seems to really ring true. As I make the walk from my apartment to campus, my mind is often flooded with memories of the last four years. I've made that walk a thousand times, but somehow, this semester, it feels very different.

In the last four years, there have been times when I've been in the mountains (literally - two trips to Colorado for a Christian retreat and seminar) and the valleys- the first loss of a true friend simply due to growing up, trying to learn how to do things on my own, and wondering if I'd ever pass human body and learn the muscles of that stupid cat.

I've felt on top of things - the semesters I squeaked by with grades I was proud of and knew I worked hard for, receiving jobs I was excited about, and the day I finally finished my application to graduate school.  But there have been times when I wondered if I could do anything else wrong, be anymore unqualified for the task at hand, or be any more 'not good enough.'

But since then, I've learned. All of these things have left me feeling one thing - overwhelmed. Not  in a negative way, although they may have felt it at the time, but overwhelmed in the way that I'm not sure how the Lord orchestrated the pieces of my life to fit together so perfectly.  Over the last few years I've learned so much about myself, the way I function, and the world around me. My eyes have been opened by the love of new friends, two trips to Hong Kong, and leadership positions I never would have imagined myself in. And to think about all the 'things' over the last four years, I come to one conclusion.

He is. 

He is the voice in my head that helped me to spell all the bones and muscles when I passed human body, but He is also the voice who comforted me when I just barely missed the grade I wanted in physics. He is the the little girl I see at work everyday who almost always forgets her glasses and never eats breakfast before she comes to school, reminding me that my patience and love need to be strong, and my discipline skills are less important.  He is my mom the time I got food poisoning in the middle of the night on Mother's Day, driving to Manhattan immediately to make me soup, clean my room while I sleep, and know how to comfort me like no one else does. He is my dear friend Shawna, who worked with me the first few days after Brenna died, and patiently explained tasks to me that I shouldn't have needed instruction on, knowing the difficulty that surrounded me.

He is the grace of my favorite high school English teacher, who understood when Luke got sick and told me to 'hand in my assignments when I could.' He is my 'second' mom, Steph, who took care of me, loved me, and comforted me in Hong Kong when I was in a state of vulnerability, sickness, and anxiety that I never would have willingly let anyone see. He is the mountain and the valley - the person celebrating with me after hiking to the top of the mountain in Colorado (and with me as I ate it for a solid fifteen feet on the way down) and He is the rejection of a first choice graduate school - reminding me He is bigger than my desires.

Without a doubt - over the last four years there have been times when I felt like God could not be farther from me. The day that I sat in Bill Snyder Family Stadium while Brenna was honored on the big screen, feeling surrounded by people and yet not connected to anyone. The day that I sat in the airport with my family at 6:30 in the morning because of the sudden death of a relative, and the day that I realized that yes, I suffer from depression, and I have no idea how to fix it. Through various rejections, confusion, and uncertainty, I have wondered: what, where, and how is God?

But through all those things, and more, I learned: He just is.

One of my favorite 'things' to look back on was a turn of events on my first Hong Kong trip.  He was the night that I had to stay back at the school (angrily) and not go to the church dinner because I didn't feel good. He was the willingness Ray had to stay with me and we went from and awkward situation, that kind of felt like babysitting, to realizing how much we had in common, both our strengths and our weaknesses. He was the way that Ray pushed through his hatred of small talk and quickly became one of my closest friends. He was the verse Ray shared with me that changed my way of thinking for the next day, as well as the years to come, as I was scheduled to give a devotion that I was incredibly nervous for.

"But he said to me: My grace is sufficient for you. My power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." (2 Corinthians, 12:9, NIV)

I love this verse for a lot of reasons, but one is definitely that it is applicable during all seasons of my life. This verse, in essence, says that I am not good enough. Just typing that takes a weight off my shoulders, because God said it, not me. There are always skills I won't have, desires that can't be met, and an underlying feeling of incompetency. But, through the last four years, I've heard this to be true in so many ways.

I truly do not know where my confidence would come from to move onto graduate school, move farther away from home, and start what I know will be a very challenging three years. I just know that He is over, under, in-between, and right in the middle of those things.

This verse is also easily paired with the story of the hermit crab - the poor guy spends a whole year making his shell beautiful with the perfect location and the perfect friends surrounding him, that he doesn't have any time to enjoy it, and then the shell is too small for him again. If there is anything the Lord has taught me over the last four years, it's that I am the shell, - I will never be good enough, that's His job - and if I don't stop to enjoy the blessings he's given me and his presence as I find it, my shell will be too small before I can make everything perfect - each and every time.