I was packing for college tonight (I leave tomorrow morning, and no, I didn't start until tonight) and I was thinking that by the time I've done this at least six or seven times, when you count summers and breaks, that it has to start getting easier. I should have figured out by now which hats I wear the most, which pictures go and which ones stay, and all of the other hodge podge things in my room that need a home..but it hasn't gotten any easier. Usually I just sit in the middle of my room with unorganized piles of 'stuff' and hope that all of the necessary items make it to the right city.
My last post on a blog was the original intention I created one - to reflect on time spent in Hong Kong for myself and also for the friends and family that had been asking about my trip. I knew that words on a computer screen could do it no justice, but it was my best shot. I've always loved to write, and people have been telling me I should write for a long time .. especially when my life took a crazy turn a little over two years ago.
My senior year of high school, my faith was in a state of complacency - I knew it was important, but I couldn't really figure out why, so I didn't do much about it. My life had run on a smooth course for 17 years and there was no need for me to be 'clinging' to anything - I had two parents who always knew the answers to my questions, a little sister who doubled as a best friend, and a fantastic group of friends at school. I had a college and intended major nailed down. What else?
Five days after I graduated from high school, one of my friends lost her life to murder. There are absolutely no words to describe the feeling of trying to stand back up on your own to feet after that - especially when I came home for the funeral of a close family friend only five months later - and he had only just turned six.
The journey of healing over the last two years, two months, and twenty days has been filled with everything from pain to anxiety to hope to joy to outright fear. As much as I love to write, God just hasn't given me the words to describe the journey as a whole yet, and I'm not yet ready to try.
Now, bringing myself back to my messy room with organized piles that don't actually mean anything, it isn't the clothes and the shoes that are hard - it's the meaning that my things bring with them.
I picked up the whiffle ball that I got at Brenna's funeral tonight and I was overcome with emotion and doubt. I've never taken it at school. This is my third year and I'm supposed to have college down.. right? I only had to take my stuffed animal my first year because it was okay since Brenna had just died.. right? But I'm past that... right? I'm supposed to be an adult and not need these things.. right? But something inside me wanted to take that whiffle ball and just keep it on my shelf where I could see the words 'Well done, good and faithful servant', and remember Pastor Cogswell's message - maybe until Labor Day, and maybe until May. But after some words with someone who means a lot to me and is older and wiser than I am.. I realized that it's not all about being 'right.' In fact, in the real world, sometimes 'right' doesn't even exist.
I ended up tossing the whiffle ball in the bucket of 'Manhattan' stuff tonight - the combination of the college transition and the grief process (what a combo) has taught me that 'right' and 'healthy' are sometimes very different. It is okay to have that there when I need it. - and I just didn't need it until now. I often need reminded of my value in the eyes of Christ, and that is okay, because - He wants me to know that. So I will keep the ball, and it will remind me not of the death of my friend, but instead, of my eternal purpose, my goal to love others, and God's incredible grace - without a shadow of doubt.
Friday, August 15, 2014
Sunday, August 3, 2014
Letting Go
One way I've definitely chosen to deal with grief over the last two years is keeping. Keeping everything, that is. Every picture I have with Brenna rests comfortably in a folder on my computer titled with her name on it, most of the pictures of which aren't even good pictures. I have a few things of hers sitting in my room that I haven't found a good place for, graduation cards and pictures that have yet to be gone through two and a half years later... and a ticket stub from a movie from 2011 that was the last movie our group of friends saw together. Together = including her. but my thought process is simply that the longer I put it off, she'd still be there, right?
Last November, God dropped the idea of going to Hong Kong on a mission trip in my lap. One of my best friends called one afternoon and nonchalantly asked if I wanted to go and teach bible school. My initial thought was sure, but that would be so hard with my lack of knowledge of the bible. How am I supposed to teach little kids bible stories I don't even know - let alone little kids that didn't speak English.
As the trip approached, my anxieties rose, but God prepared me for each and every one of them. I learned to go to Him every day with things I was nervous about, and on July 17th, I got on a plane for a 16 hour flight across the world for the first time.
The Hong Kong trip was more than I could have ever imagined - but definitely not how I thought it would be. I had many difficulties with both groups of kids, and I wouldn't say the relationships I formed with any of them was anything to be excited about. I saw my kids get excited during songs, but otherwise, we had trouble getting them to listen, or even understand directions. Each day was a fight of whether or not they were going to listen, and each day my patience was stretched farther and farther. Additionally, I missed two days of bible school due to being sick, further severing my already short relationships with the kids and the helpers. I felt broken hearted halfway through the week knowing that something completely out of my control was keeping me from what I came here to do - or so I thought.
After I had been sick for two days, our team took a day to sight see, which brought my days of absence to a grand total of three days in a row. I was sure that, especially for my younger kids, they would not remember me, and now there was no way I could make a difference in their journey, but when I returned in the afternoon, I was shocked to see Faye's face light up when I walked in the room and how she was glued to my side and wouldn't let go of my hand the rest of the day. God reminded me through a seven year old that He doesn't NEED me in Hong Kong, but it's my pleasure to be here for Him.
The number one thing that Hong Kong taught me was how big My Father's World truly is. Perhaps it was sitting through a church service where I could not understand anything, or going to a grocery store and trying to buy appropriate foods that aligned with my allergies. He taught me that He is in control - I can make as much of a difference in those kids' lives as I am willing to let Him make - and He does not need six days. Even though I missed half of the week and felt, more or less, like I failed to do what God had brought me to Hong Kong to do, I had to understand that it wasn't me that mattered in the situation, and I needed to let go.
Since I've been home, Hong Kong has taken a lot of reflection. I've deleted many pictures on my computer and gone through many of the things in my room - two years overdue. God has taught me that I've been going to things other than Him to survive - whether that be hanging onto old memories or not trusting that it was really His mission in Hong Kong all along, not mine.
Colossians 1:17 "He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together."
Last November, God dropped the idea of going to Hong Kong on a mission trip in my lap. One of my best friends called one afternoon and nonchalantly asked if I wanted to go and teach bible school. My initial thought was sure, but that would be so hard with my lack of knowledge of the bible. How am I supposed to teach little kids bible stories I don't even know - let alone little kids that didn't speak English.
As the trip approached, my anxieties rose, but God prepared me for each and every one of them. I learned to go to Him every day with things I was nervous about, and on July 17th, I got on a plane for a 16 hour flight across the world for the first time.
The Hong Kong trip was more than I could have ever imagined - but definitely not how I thought it would be. I had many difficulties with both groups of kids, and I wouldn't say the relationships I formed with any of them was anything to be excited about. I saw my kids get excited during songs, but otherwise, we had trouble getting them to listen, or even understand directions. Each day was a fight of whether or not they were going to listen, and each day my patience was stretched farther and farther. Additionally, I missed two days of bible school due to being sick, further severing my already short relationships with the kids and the helpers. I felt broken hearted halfway through the week knowing that something completely out of my control was keeping me from what I came here to do - or so I thought.
After I had been sick for two days, our team took a day to sight see, which brought my days of absence to a grand total of three days in a row. I was sure that, especially for my younger kids, they would not remember me, and now there was no way I could make a difference in their journey, but when I returned in the afternoon, I was shocked to see Faye's face light up when I walked in the room and how she was glued to my side and wouldn't let go of my hand the rest of the day. God reminded me through a seven year old that He doesn't NEED me in Hong Kong, but it's my pleasure to be here for Him.
The number one thing that Hong Kong taught me was how big My Father's World truly is. Perhaps it was sitting through a church service where I could not understand anything, or going to a grocery store and trying to buy appropriate foods that aligned with my allergies. He taught me that He is in control - I can make as much of a difference in those kids' lives as I am willing to let Him make - and He does not need six days. Even though I missed half of the week and felt, more or less, like I failed to do what God had brought me to Hong Kong to do, I had to understand that it wasn't me that mattered in the situation, and I needed to let go.
Since I've been home, Hong Kong has taken a lot of reflection. I've deleted many pictures on my computer and gone through many of the things in my room - two years overdue. God has taught me that I've been going to things other than Him to survive - whether that be hanging onto old memories or not trusting that it was really His mission in Hong Kong all along, not mine.
Colossians 1:17 "He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)