Yes. I do mean in the stereotypical 'millennial way'. I get most of my news through Facebook and Twitter (I can make arguments for these, but that's for another day.) I peruse through Instagram when I'm in the doctor's office, and I am, on occasion, caught Snap chatting. I like to be connected. My phone is among one of the most important possessions that I have.
But - it's also important to me in like an actual functioning adult kind of way. My budget apps and online banking are on my phone. I link my iPhone calendar to my Mac calendar and school calendar, so I can schedule meetings on my phone and they show up everywhere. All of my prized pictures (if you've seen my Facebook you know I love pictures)are stored there. My weather app that I check daily, and of course the clock app so that I always know what time it is in Madrid, Hong Kong, and so that I can get up for school every morning - not to mention my apps for ESPN and MLB, as well as all the airlines so that I can check myself into my flight without finding a printer. (this is one of my most prized adult tasks. I feel so accomplished whenever I have a boarding pass on my phone.)
I can count on one hand the number of times since I have had a cell phone that I have let it die. I am ALWAYS prepared with an extra charger. My parents know if they text or call me, they'll hear from me within half an hour if I don't answer. I am, in fact, so anal, that when my phone rarely DOES die at night, I wake up on my own in the morning (because you know it's my alarm) because I just know. Creepy, right?
Sometimes I think it would be a good idea for me to take a break from my phone. I try to leave it in my backpack during class, but I last MAYBE four hours tops. That's where my to do list is. I schedule meetings on my phone. I literally cannot.
This week, I've started wondering: What if I treated my God that way?
God and I have our time every morning for about half an hour before I have breakfast. I will admit - some/most of these reasons are selfish. I am an introvert and devout planner at heart and it gives me a surpassing peace to start my day off by talking to God about all the things I have going on that day (Spoiler alert: Grad school does not cater to introverts. It is Friday night and I am sitting on the couch wrapped in blankets, and I am HAPPY about that.) Most of that time in the morning is spent journaling - occasionally I will use a devotional book to journal about a specific topic. But rarely am I good at reading my bible, or better yet - listening. My journal time is very similar to my phone - I cart my journal and bible around with me everywhere, but I have not yet learned the art of listening to God instead of talking to him. Which is, actually, kind of odd for me to think about. I sometimes struggle to list my strengths (ok, usually I struggle) but I really think listening is one of them. I want to work with trauma survivors in my future, and I think that's why. I like to listen, and I like to help. So why do I not want to listen to the Ultimate Helper?
When I was in undergrad I was in a bible study about a book called The Circle Maker. Unfortunately it also happened to be my hardest semester so my attendance wasn't that great, but in essence, the book is about two things - praying boldly. and praying a lot. I think I have the latter down. But the first one, I'm not so hot on.
My prayer to God tends to be: 'its whatever you want - help me to deal with whatever that is' because I learned in May of 2012 that what I pray for is not always what happens. That's not to say that He isn't listening, because he definitely is. It's just that many times, God's plans are bigger than yours and you DON'T know what's best. (Picture the moms who tell their kids that they cannot have ice cream for dinner. The kids don't understand why that's important, but the mom does, and she has bigger plans for them than to have horrible eating and grocery shopping habits when they're 20. Case in point: my mom always had us choose cereals below a certain number of grams of sugar, and I have only bought child sugar cereal once in my adult life. Cinnamon Toast Crunch doesn't count.) My mom wanted the best for my sister and I (and still does) and I appreciate her teaching me healthy habits.
What if I lived my life with God fully charged? What if I even did like 75%? What if I told him boldly what I wanted and I asked for it more than once. There are a few things that I currently 'pray circles around' - that I have been praying for since I was probably in high school. It gets downright exhausting to pray continually for something that you feel like God is just IGNORING.And it's not that He doesn't want to, or can't, or doesn't feel like it. It's that He's just BIGGER. and that's all. And that can seem really, really, unfair in our eyes, because sometimes I look at my life and think about the things that I want the VERY MOST IN THE WHOLE WORLD. and I wonder how God could not feel the exact same way.
I tend to shy away from bold prayer because the first time that I ever boldly prayed for something I wanted was moments before my mom called me to tell me that Brenna had been found and she did not make it. It was like getting up the courage to ask for something you've wanted deeply and for a long time, and being shut down in a harsh, heartless, and mean way. And it made me terrified to ever ask for anything again. But... I am slowly realizing that I HAVE to get over that.
My inspiration for this blog post came partly from the fact that I'm snuggled up on my couch with my favorite blanket but MOSTLY from Emma - the little girl I post [constantly] about. Emma has had a rough couple of months with her health and an even more rough last few days. I don't know a lot about Emma's health other than her diagnosis or understand a lot about what her parents post (I google a lot of things). But I do know that I love that little girl so much, I can't even find the words to express it. When it comes to Emma's health, I haven't known what to pray for. (Good health? Ok, that's specific, way to go, self.) I don't know what the right scans results are or what the spinal pressure should be. I just don't. But that doesn't stop me from being 'fully charged' about it.
I want Emma to come dance with me again. I love feeling her little hand on my knee at dance when she is uneasy, so she knows that I won't get up and walk away without her knowing. I love how unbelievably excited she gets when we go backstage, she can hardly stand it. I want Emma to go to kindergarten and play with her friends. I want Emma to be the reason why kids learn empathy because they learn how to play with a child in a walker. I want Emma to play with her baby dolls and make me fake hamburgers in her kitchen. I love Emma because of the way she changes hearts and minds.
So this morning, I told God that. And it may have come in a slightly angry and frustrated tone. And you know what? Man, it felt good. I don't know what the future holds for her or for any of us. Christ could return tomorrow for all I know. But if you aren't praying boldly, why are you praying at all? If I'm stuck in my 'ok God, help me to deal with whatever you decide" that doesn't get our relationship anywhere besides me being mad at him for not doing what I want.
My friend Meg explained this beautifully to me several years ago and I have never forgotten it. If I went to her house for dinner, I might want her to make a chocolate cake, so I might tell her that. But she might already have vanilla cupcakes in the oven. So she would thank me for suggesting it, but let me know that she's already got something planned. But now she KNOWS that about me. And I know what you're thinking. "God knows what I want - why should I have to tell him?" You're right, he does. But you owe him the service of TELLING him that - you don't build relationships by KNOWING, you build them by WORKING. (Hint: this means it isn't easy.)
The difference between living my life on 50% battery and fully charged is that (I think) if I live at fully charged, the things that matter the most to me will be the things that matter most to God. Which is, truly, the way you want to live. It's the same (times a million) as getting along well with a teacher, or your RA in college. Things go better when you have important people on your side. I want God's priorities to be mine. The first step for me in being fully charged was to write this blog. I think that people think I have all these ideas for all these wise things I want to say when I write these, but 0% of the time that is how it works. Normally Im just chilling (probably on my phone) and I'm like, hmmm, you know what? I should blog. So I just start typing and I see what comes out.
Tonight, my lesson is to pray boldly about the things I want in life: my upcoming test, my little dance buddy, my future as a therapist. Even if I don't know what I want - I can be better about boldly not knowing. I know that someone needed to be reminded of this - I sure did. My goal is to work hard to be as fully charged with God as I am about scrolling through my social media accounts when I'm bored, or relying on my phone for math problems or time change.
Sometimes I need reminded - you are 50 times happier by learning to make God's will your own than deciding He'll just be background noise in your struggle with yours.
