Since coming to OT school in August, many people on various occasions have asked me how grad school is going. I usually give a quick answer that lasts 1-2 sentences, and I'll be honest, some days it is much more positive than others.
Being in professional school is, quite honestly, one of the hardest things I have ever done. The amount of stress that I have felt during the last seven months has not been paralleled during any other time in my life - moving to a new city where I really didn't know anyone, farther away from my family than I'd ever been before, dealing with a new type and level of stress for someone who is generally an anxious person to begin with, and a thousand other "news" has been a real challenge, and I question more often than not why I came here in the first place.
"The Big Guy" is a term I've heard quite a bit since moving here, whether or not they say it in those exact words. "The Big Guy" and what He's doing in my life right now. The Big Guy and his plans. The Big Guy his purpose. Some days, I just down right don't feel like looking at the big picture anymore, because that crap is stressful. The Big Guy - challenging me to move away, giving me such an opportunity to pursue a doctoral degree, blessing me with an awesome roommate (who keeps me sane more than she'll ever know). "The Big Guy" is a term we all here a lot in life, honestly - I heard it when Brenna died, when Sam got sick, during the grad school application process, and on absolutely terrifying journeys like my first trip to Asia. "The Big Guy" is always up to something, isn't He?
If there is anything I have learned through this semester, it is that sometimes, it is okay to not focus on "The Big Guy" and his plans. In fact, sometimes that is impossible and makes me feel ten times more anxious and scared for my future. What has actually turned out to be more helpful, is the little guy.
When I use this term I picture this adorable little kid, probably four, who just kind of walks around blessing people. Almost like God has elves. This little guy puts your headphones in your backpack for you when you have a 15 hour library day and forget them. The little guy schedules the half price margaritas for whenever you can get there. The little guy thinks of things that no one, including yourself, even knew you needed, and his deeds go, for the most part, unnoticed.
This semester, the little guy has been more prominent for me than I ever thought he would be. I have an amazing roommate, who never fails to make me laugh, and keeps me going on the weeks where I am running on 45 minutes of sleep by Friday. The little guy knows the maintenance staff from my apartment complex, who make this such a great and hassle free place to live, because he knows how much I don't have time for right now. The little guy allowed me to meet Emma, a four year old little girl from Omaha who I get to go to dance class with once a week. The little guy plans the way that when Emma and I sit at dance class, Emma always keeps one hand on my leg until she feels comfortable with where we are, since she cannot walk. Only the little guy orchestrated this relationship knowing that I need Emma just as much as she needs me. The little guy planned the way my best friends from home still text me and let me know they're praying for me during the rough weeks - without me even telling them the week is rough.
The little guy led me to the yoga studio that I have found and become interested in this semester, the cooking I have taken up a desire to learn, the 45 minutes that cooking dinner each night takes me away from school and gives me a sense of productivity. The little guy ran Google the day that I googled for a counselor in Omaha and found the perfect one - just by clicking the first name that popped up. The little guy is the mail that I get from my parents every so often, reminding me that they believe in me and are so proud of me no matter what. It is the valentine my 11 year old cousin in Virginia sent me, where he made me a word search out of marker and printer paper for a study break.
In grad school I have learned that incredible amounts of stress and change can bring back past trauma - suddenly I am having days where I feel as though Brenna's death and all that accompanied it for myself and my community during my first move to college was only yesterday. I know that these are things I will probably always work through, but that doesn't make them easy. - Any knowledge that something could or will happen doesn't make it easier when it actually does. But the little guy is present.
The little guy is Emma's family, who have opened their home to me, understanding how much being around a family refuels me and gives me a break from school. The little guy is the blackout curtains that let me sleep late on Saturday mornings. The little guy is my professors who care so deeply about my success as a therapist and all the people I will help. The little guy is the news that I did way better than anticipated on a test I was really nervous about. He is the excitement that Chloe had in her eyes when her family came up in the fall to go to the zoo, and she saw penguins. The little guy is in everyone who has helped me to get where I am today - every step of the way.
The little guy is the knowledge within me that sometimes, it CAN'T be about the big picture. God wants me to focus on His big picture, but sometimes, I have to understand that my picture is smaller - because I am so little, and He is so big. Focusing on 'the little things' has been the key to my success (and sometimes survival) each day. If I look a month into the future right now, I see close to 20 exams practicums, and big assignments, (6 of them in the same week) the choice about where to do my next fieldwork (a lot tougher of a decision than I thought it would be) and the knowledge that I truly do not see a 'light at the end of the tunnel' for quite some time. But thankfully, that's where the little guy comes in. The little guy knows that the big picture just isn't reasonable right now, and that's okay, but he's going to make sure that I get there.
