Additionally, my family passed another anniversary of a special day this past Monday - the little boy who took up such a big spot in my heart would have been eight. Although my pain is not near as constant or vibrant now as my friends' is, from either Luke's death or Brenna's, it is definitely still lurking in the shadows on such days - I spent much of the day just 'being with' one of my best friends - going through the motions of the day, but not actually being too mentally present for any of it. It's hard to do that when you think about what the day could have held - which brings me to my next thought. My friend and I shared many similar thoughts during our conversation even though our experiences with death were so vastly different - mine were a friend and a family friend, both young people, and hers were her dad and her grandpa. Mine happened two and a half years ago, and hers happened less than three months ago. Nevertheless, we found ourselves relating on many levels of "You feel/felt that way too??" which only made me wish that someone had told me these things two and a half years ago. We came up with these things that we wish people knew when they were helping those they loved that were grieving.
1. When someone dies, you grieve your past, present, and future with that person. This means that not only am I sad that I lost them, I am also sad for all the future memories that will never be made - especially if I had plans to be with this person in the future.
2. Understand that when you ask me if I am okay, I am probably lying to you. - Or at least withholding truth. Even if I say 'bad'. Of course I'm bad, what do you expect? But grief can occasionally take away your ability to both feel and understand how you feel, so chances are, I feel upset, angry, sad, empty, and everything in between. And I also can't put any of that into words, because that's just how it feels - confusing.
3. If you want to help me, offer to do very specific things. Especially at the beginning. My mind is not processing at a rate to ask for help. This may sound like "I'm going into town, what errands can I run for you?" "I'm going to Sonic, what can I get you?" "Can I do some laundry for you?" It's not really about me doing my own laundry, it's knowing that you're thinking about me - I know that you can't bring back the person, but if that's how you show someone that you're there for them, it means the world.
4. Do not tell me that you know how I feel. Even if you think you do. Because chances are, it probably will just make me mad. "I'm really sorry that you're hurting' is a more appropriate response.
5. You can't fix it, and I understand that. And it's okay. I've got some really awesome best friends and their favorite phrase on my very scarce days when I still struggle with grief is 'Can I be with you today?' This usually involves doing homework together or watching a movie and not talking about it at all, but having my friends around me makes me feel a million times better.
6. Don't assume that just because I'm not talking about it, it's not there. It's okay and really good to help me try to integrate back into normal everyday life, but be respectful and understanding when I tell you I just am not up for something - Grief doesn't end when the funeral does.
7. The stages of grief are not neat and orderly. Sometimes, I can actually hit all five in like, a day. Let me grieve.
8. Understand the gift of time. And if you're feeling brave, stick it through with me. Time doesn't heal all, but it doesn't give you more clear vision. This part won't last forever.
9. Closure is a big, fat, lie. There is contentment, but once a hole in your heart is opened, you don't close it. You learn to put other things in there - a place to give that love back to that you once gave the person. But it kind of looks like play dough molded by a preschooler - never quite the same as it was when you took it out of the container. And that is okay.
10. Doors, Jars, and Bank Accounts close. Relationships do not. Understand that while it's really hard for me to talk about 'it', just because that person is no longer physically present in my life does not mean that my relationship with them is over. I still have old stories about them, I will still keep my pictures of them, and I will hang on to my memories of them. Above all, it is likely they will continue to influence the way that I live my life - do not be afraid to hear about these things.
